I dedicate my blueballs to the MTA. How many times have I been late to see my boy, whomever that is at any given time, due to MTA delays? Not only does it keep me lying in wait to get off, but when I finally get to my destination, I have to spend my time and energy apologizing and then convincing my boy that it was indeed the MTA's fault that I was late.
MTA, you need to start passing out 'Sorry to Have Cock-Blocked You' notes to beleaguered passengers, because if ever again I have to suffer through a long ass conversation with one of my tricks before I can get some, well then I guess that instead of busting a nut, I will have to bust your union.
Not only do you suck as a general rule, now you want to hike the fares so that we New Yorkers will now have the most expensive mass transit monthly card in the nation. For what? Most of you just sit around all day not earning the good money that you are paid.
MTA, you are cockblocking enemy #1, and if you keep making it a habit of entrapping, teasing and delaying sexually frustrated new yorkers, you will feel the explosion within. Trust that.
Kirstin Davis. Oh, excuse me, Madam Kristin Davis. How could I forget your honorific.
Woman,you are not qualified to run for governor just because one of your former clients was Eliot Spitzer. You don't get the goods necessary through seminal infusion. That you may believe that scares me. First, Palin, then O'Donnel, now you. Wtf! I was hoping that the world would take a positive turn once women came into power.
Hilary Clinton, can you please start publicly beating these women? Seriously, please reassure us that women are amazing, powerful, intelligent supreme-beings! You should be like Conan the Barbarian, or Dexter, just get rid of the world's sludge. Make way for the fierce women in our world to take the helm.
And once you do, please advise all the future woman leaders that they should never run a campaign with the slogan: Vote Homo, Not Cuomo.
For some reason, a former madam/botched plastic surgery victim/possible tranny feels empowered to use a derogatory term to galvanize the electorate.
Ray is a folk-hero. We all have moments when we hate our jobs and oftentimes that hate is brought on not by the actual job but by the people you work with. At times like those, we all want to get violent. But, we don't, because we want to keep our jobs, right minorities?
For those of us who have a problem with our temper, Ray has created a song to help you relieve your stress in the hopes that you will not whoop any of your co-worker's asses and thereby add to the massive numbers of minorities without jobs or those in prison.
For those of you who may think me contradictory considering that I recently wrote about how minorities should not sing in public, I will submit that I meant that edict to stand as far as court rooms are concerned. At your work place, it is ok to go out in public, walk around the block and sing this little ditty to yourself. The fresh air, the walk and the singing will all help to cool your nerves.
Ray, you are an upstanding minority. Your song is better than any plan Obama could conjure up to ensure jobs and economic growth, and the betterment of our communal minority lot. You deserve a Nobel.
P.S. There is an amazing remix. Ray, you are the gift that keeps on giving.
Grl, Coalition for Obama Split by Drift to G.O.P., Poll Finds (Grl, the republicans are getting control. Things are about to get super-oppressive.) By JIM RUTENBERG and MEGAN THEE-BRENAN Critical parts of the coalition that elected President Obama — women, Catholics, independents and the poor — are switching sides, according to the latest Times/CBS News poll.
Grl, Chinese Supercomputer Wrests Title From U.S. (Grl, everybody knows that the Chinese love making the world's uber-fiercest gadgets.) By ASHLEE VANCE Tianhe-1A, at the National Supercomputing Center in China, has 1.4 times the horsepower of the current top computer, which is at a national laboratory in Tennessee.
Grl, In Icy Tip of Afghanistan, War Seems Remote (Grl, Here's a riddle, what is lawless in a lawless land?) By EDWARD WONG The rules that apply to the rest of Afghanistan are often irrelevant in the Wakhan Corridor.
Grl, Treasury Sees Escalating Risk to Home Prices (Grl, The mortgage issue is as never-ending as Madonna's career! Have you heard her new song: Broken) By SEWELL CHAN The uncertainty over the legal status of foreclosed homes could further delay the recovery of the housing market, the Obama administration said.
Grl, In Spain, Homes Are Taken but Debt Stays (Grl, We need to provide amnesty to all hot Spanish boys suffering from the economic crisis. They are sad and they need comforting.) By SUZANNE DALEY Laws in Spain are saddling some homeowners with mountains of inescapable debt as the economy falters.
Grl, Stores Push Black Friday Into October (Grl, Shopping!) By STEPHANIE CLIFFORD The shopping event is arriving ahead of Halloween this year with some promotions beginning this week
Minorities, please do not sing in court, you're making a spectacle of yourself at a moment when your level of seriousness is paramount and can decide whether you will spend time in jail. Why do you think Legal Aid provides clothing vouchers for you to dress properly when you appear before a judge? Still, even though you may be dressed to the nines, the fact that you break out into Sunday-morning spirituals, albeit with a beautiful voice, will not help you.
You are also making a mockery of our justice system. How is a judge supposed to make a fair decision when all they can think about is a chain-gang? Further, do not look for a record deal at the moment when the blades of justice are swaying above your head. Instead, practice what you would say to the judge before a mirror. If your hands start flailing just above your ear, or if you hail the good lord's name under your breath, if you have to take a second to take deep breaths followed by a "wooooooh," if you start tapping your weave, stop, and start all over again.
And why are calling on God? Do you know where are? In the land where God has forsaken thee and thy kind. Remember slavery? How about Hurricane Katrina? God ain't gonna help you, but some common sense on how to comport yourself in court will.
When you have gotten to a point where you can discuss your grievance without having a motown moment, then, and only then are you ready.
Minorities, please do not sing in court because they will just think that justice is a game that they can play on you, just so as you have come into the environs of justice doing.
Grl, Divide on U.S. Deficit Likely to Grow After Election (grl, How do expect to deal with our debt, if big daddy gov can't get his ish together?) By JACKIE CALMES A midterm campaign that has turned heavily on the issue of mounting federal debt is likely to yield a government even more split over how to handle it, people in both parties say.
Grl, Afghan Leader Admits His Office Gets Cash from Iran (grl, Is anybody really surprised that "Afghan Leader" is conducting business off the books?) By DEXTER FILKINS and ALISSA J. RUBIN President Hamid Karzai said that he uses an off-the-books fund to pay expenses incurred in the course of doing his job.
Grl, In Bond Frenzy, Investors Bet on Inflation (grl, Rich bitches find more ways to trick us out of our money.) By CHRISTINE HAUSER Investors are betting that inflation will rise to a level that more than compensates for the premium they paid initially for five-year Treasuries.
Grl, In Alaska Senate Race, Front-Runner Isn’t on Ballot (grl, Alaska continues it's tradition of conducting tartar elections.) By WILLIAM YARDLEY Just weeks ago, Senator Lisa Murkowski’s re-election bid looked like a long shot, but polls indicate she may be the first person to win a Senate election as a write-in candidate since 1954.
Grl, China Telecom Giant Makes Push for U.S. Market (grl, China is taking over.) By JOHN MARKOFF and DAVID BARBOZA Security concerns make telecommunications a particularly delicate industry in the United States.
Grl, Riches May Not Help Papua New Guinea (grl, news from Papua New Guinea?! Weird, right?) By NORIMITSU ONISHI An expected flood of money in Papua New Guinea could throw a country already beset by corruption into further turmoil.
Grl, Few Women in Cuomo or Paladino Inner Circles (grl, Gubernatorial election teams big sausage fests. I'm feeling all political all of a sudden.) By MICHAEL BARBARO and ELIZABETH A. HARRIS Experts say the relative paucity of women in the pair’s political operations has led to a testosterone-infused governor’s race.
Cat, obviously the other cat doesn't want you. Be a brave pussy and move on.
Do you understand, cat?
There's plenty of snatch in the batch worth the catch, in terms as distracting as a felt mouse at the end of a string.
What you need to do is scratch up the other cat's tires and spread the rumor that your ex-cat-lover has feline AIDS.
That way, he won't have a way to get to the vet for its shots and it will mostly likely go feral, and ain't no cat ever gonna give it any cat-loving ever again.
Cat, there is no use in making an ass out of yourself in public in an attempt to redeem a relationship that has obviously gone bust, with another cat who obviously does not care, a cat who would make you resort to crazy public antics at the cost of your self-respect. All of it. All the people of Walmart probably stood around and watched this sorry ass display. Didn't they? Are you proud of that? Huh? They filmed you with their discount camera.
Cat, you were once the inspiration of Egyptian kings and queens. Now you are just fodder for hackneyed artists designing for middle-America bungalows strewn with ceramic kitties and mugs with the phrase 'catitude,' horrific houses belonging to families who spend their time youtube-ing cat porn for entertainment.
Cat, a sorry ass cat-lover is the least of your troubles, you are one hot ass mess.
"One Wise Ass Latino, where do you get your sharp tongue? Whenever I try to sass someone, it always comes out flat? Do you write comedy or something?"
Me:
You dumb fuck, I get it from having to suffer through dumb ass questions like yours. The world is filled with idiots and idiocy, I seem to be the only one paying attention. I always say to my fellow latinos, if you are not one wise ass latino, then you sure as hell ain't paying attention.
Open your eyes, you sycophantic wretch, plenty of material to get upset about all around you. And don't just give it a passing glance, let the idiocy marinate into your core, grind it up against your marrow like salt on a wound, and if that shit don't make you wanna lash out with your tongue, then just sit the fuck down and leave it to a pro.
grl, Move to End ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Stalls in Senate (Gay people! The Army is not a discotheque, says the Senate, Go Party elsewhere.) By DAVID M. HERSZENHORN The Senate voted not to proceed with debate of the annual authorization of military spending that included a provision allowing the repeal of the policy on gay soldiers.
Summers Move Lets Obama Alter Economic Team (grl, America is changing its economic portfolio, time to bring this economy to the next level, biatch!) By SHERYL GAY STOLBERG The departure of Lawrence H. Summers, the top White House economic adviser, allows President Obama to reshape his economics team after the midterm elections, when Republicans are expected to gain strength.
grl, An Egg Farmer and a History of Salmonella (grl, Don't be putting anyone's eggs in your mouth, you could catch something.) By WILLIAM NEUMAN Farms tied to one of the country’s biggest egg producers were a source of Salmonella enteritidis in the United States in the 1980s and again recently.
grl, Seeking Kashmir Peace, India Feels Anger of Residents (grl, Between all the strife up in the Middle East and in India, extremists are fucking up what could be awesome vacation spots.) By JIM YARDLEY After more than 100 days of deadly protests in Kashmir, India this week sent the equivalent of a peace delegation.
grl, Step Right Up for Pest Control at Bedbug Meeting (grl, What if someone you hook up with has bedbugs?!) By MONICA DAVEY More than 360 people, with quite a few inventors among them, gathered in Illinois for a conference about the pests.
grl, Stores Scramble to Accommodate Budget Shoppers (grl, I praise Jehovah everyday for discount stores, but I'd slay a bitch dead if they ever told anyone that my glasses ain't really Gucci.) By STEPHANIE CLIFFORD Dollar stores, embracing strategies they learned during the recession, have seen a spike in business.
So, I've decided to start posting some fan mail... :)
Take the missive titled, "huge fans. request.," from an adoring bitch ass below:
"I think your blog is hilarious and I always enjoy “reading” the meaning of the words. However, I never enjoy the process of actually reading your blog, because the background color to font ratio in the post frames are a complete serving of failsauce. To decipher the words I need to highlight the entire post - this is annoying. Further, I do not want to send your blog to my friends, lest their eyesight worsens from the strain and I get sued.
Take the GAILY NEWS, for instance: the links! So fantastic I can actually read them, the (what I assume is riveting) commentary on them however? Totally camouflaged like the rest of the page. Bitch Ass Minion and Bitch Ass Minion #2 agree with me. This is our request: all we are asking is a font color that is a few shades lighter or a background that is a few shades darker."
Apparently, my blog has made you feel bad about your illiteracy. ...And, this is my problem because...
Your dumb ass needs to call your local public education system and scream on them for teaching you nothing past how to clip coupons and how to give a handjob good enough to convince your local crack-slinger to accept your macaroni and cheese coupon for a discount on your crack. Guess what? You lose, in any situation. Because crack is whack.
Alright, Hellen Keller, you blind ass bitch, I will change the font color. Doesn't mean I will like it... Doesn't mean I will do it anytime soon...
Deal. With. It.
And fuck you to your minions too. I omitted their names, but trust, I will find your addresses.
Thanks for reading. Thankfully people have nothing to do with their lives other than read this fucking blog.
Admittedly, this woman is amazing, and she would probably be someone that I would love to know, especially on a Monday morning, at the office, when retelling stories from the weekend over the water cooler. Oh, the places she would take my imagination. She is engaging, she uses sound effects, and she even says things like, "Cuz my daddy taught me good," which is a lie, at best, cuz she probably spawned out of a festering pustule on a frog's back.
Drag queens take note. Glamour-dram is not the only arresting form of performance for a lady-boy in a dress.
However so much I love her, she would scare the shit out of my children. Put a flashlight on the woman's chin and what you've got is a crypt-keeper.
This woman is not allowed to babysit my children because she would probably make them build a gingerbread house in which she would imprison them for the sole purpose of frightening them at will with her terrifying stories, and to have a place to store her flying brooms.
My children are not little Mexicans. If you have them build you a house, you will pay them fair wages!
Lady, you are done. The neighborhood watch has been alerted.
Jesus fucking christ. Parents! Caution! Do not let your children see this speech, unless you are willing to spend a shitload of money on therapy to stop your kid's night screams.
Republicans have seen the people's Howard Dean and raised us a Phil Davidson. Today's hot ass mess comes from Stark County, Ohio whose citizens were terrified by the treasurer candidate's teeth-grinding, bile-spitting, foamy-mouthed speech. He did not get the primary nomination. However, it was a performance that would make Mel Gibson proud. I kind of fell in love with you too... The way that you grabbed that podium... The way you screeched, as if into the void, boldly, fearlessly... You wanted answers. Yes, indeed, you did get a master's degree in communications. The world has a right to know. The way you stomped, around the podium and into the wings of the stage, teetering over the front row of a roomful of imaginary friends... I am sure you made the room shake, people scurried... Humanity has not seen manhood such as yours since the neolithic era. Growl! What a man!
And getting in good with Mel is just about as good as getting in with God. By your side is where I wanna be!
Oh, and, Congrats Mel, you were in need of a friend after all.
Phil, we hope that your knuckle-dragging descent from the podium is not the last we see of you. There is great potential for you...perhaps as a cautionary tale for would-be republican children.
You are the catalyst for change that America so desperately needs. And I, as your first wife, I can make it happen.
I strongly advise democratic candidates to simply play this speech on their stumping tours with a small introductory caveat: "This is a republican. Not on drugs. Vote for me because I will not eat your children."
Fear works.
And reader, if as I believe, you suffer from a critically small attention span, here is Dean to remind you of what once was:
grl, Vacancies Strain White House’s Goals for Economy (grl, Obama needs someone to fill his vacancies.) By SEWELL CHAN A half-dozen appointed posts with vast powers over the economy remain unfilled even as President Obama signaled that he was close to choosing a director for a new consumer bureau.
grl, Inquiry Sifting Cause of Blast in the Bay Area (grl, The search is on to find who passed gas over San Bruno, CA.) By ADAM NAGOURNEY and MALIA WOLLAN For weeks before the explosion, residents of San Bruno, Calif., reported catching a whiff of natural gas in the bay breezes. grl, 2 Sides on Charter Schools Add Cash to New York Races (grl, There is a custody battle between public and charter schools.) By JAVIER C. HERNANDEZ Both sides on the charter school debate have waded into state primary races, turning contests into furious battles.
grl, Health Care Weighs Heavy in Ohio Race (grl, Fat ass Ohio is weighing heavy on health care. Go figure.) By KEVIN SACK A reversal on his health care vote has emerged as a major issue in Representative John Boccieri’s campaign.
grl, German Identity, Long Dormant, Reasserts Itself (grl, Germany is on the rise again. Is anybody else worried?) By NICHOLAS KULISH A more confident nation has asserted itself in foreign policy, despite economic troubles and some internal dissent.
grl, Obama Tries to Calm Religious Tensions (grl, Obama is trying to use his big ruler to calm the world's biggest schoolyard fight.) By HELENE COOPER President Obama gave a call for better relations between Muslims and non-Muslims at home and abroad, defending the “inalienable rights” of those who worship Islam. grl, City Disavows Pastor’s Talk of Burning Koran (grl, It's Burning Man with Korans up in here.) By DAMIEN CAVE Residents in Gainesville, Fla., are taking pastor Terry Jones’s actions personally, as one of their neighbors drags their hometown into infamy.
The latest hot latino man that I recommend for the Alejandro Amnesty program is Cristiano Ronaldo.
Cristiano Ronaldo must be granted citizenship immediately for he is the only man on earth who could turn Florida - America's large flaccid penis - erect.
America, what are we waiting for? Grant Cristiano citizenship NOW and remember what it feels to be a man again.
This is especially true if no one likes your ass, resents that you are head of state, and you only got the job because the guy to whom you were second-in-command did some shit that was so fucking crazy his ass was forced to resign.
And, you admitted to cheating on your wife, you used to do drugs, and you are under an ethics investigation and one of your closest aids is charged with beating a woman.
And you are blind.
Mi-No-Ri-Tee! Please.
How did you even get near to this job, let alone actually get this job? Affirmative action, what have you done?
Minorities, if you get a job as a governor, please be like Obama, be squeaky clean and don't say dumb shit. If you do not take this advice, you will forever be known as the first and last governor of color in your state.
Like I need another fucking thing delaying me on the subway.
We should be up in arms before a rash of crazy ass crackheads start delaying our commutes even further.
These bitches are so hell-bent on getting high, they don't give a fuck that I need to be at the club at specific time or else I will have to pay the $10 cover.
Fuck you crackhead. Get the fuck out my way.
If you are a crackhead and you are reading this, try jumping off a bridge, please. It will get you high, and will probably kill you, probably not, but still, try it, cuz then you will not endanger my commute, especially if there are fewer and fewer of you with each passing day.
But seriously, we need to help these crackheads deal with these addictions. Lord knows what else they will do to fuck up our already crack-addled society. Who knows, pretty soon, they may jump off of buildings threatening unknowing perambulators city-wide.
But you don't give a fuck do you, crackhead? Nope.
Question: How come crackheads can do life-threatening shit that would kill the rest of us and still survive?
You would peel yourself right off of the bloodied carcass you murdered, smiling or strung-out, and zombie-march to the corner hoping the crack-slinger will accept the blood-soaked $20 you just slipped from your latest victim's wallet...
Detestable wretch.
Beware nascent crackheads. The 625-volt jolt may be fun, but you will end up looking crazy as fuck.
Plus, your front cover pic on the New York Post does not make for a hawt facebook profile pic.
And you will end up on my blog.
I tell you people, crack is one hell of a drug, ain't it crackhead?
You probably like counting too, don't you? It's kind of like when your teacher points to the ladybugs on the diagram and invites all the students to count along with her. Remember, that was just this morning for you? And you probably clapped at the end of the counting in this post didn't you? Yes, counting is fun. So why don't you go ahead and keep doing that?
What have you to say about life? Or even about whipping your hair back and forth? Society! Should we not reserve the stage for those who have something to say, and can say it with authority?
And Will, really, is your career hurting that bad? Do you really need to pimp out your children to hollywood? Are you not one of the most well-paid members of the star-elite? I mean, don't get me wrong, your son was in a well-reviewed albeit hackneyed rendition of the 80s classic Karate Kid and your daughter's single will probably enshrine her as the next gay pop diva, and I will probably dance amidst a dungeon full of writhing bare-barrel-chested men, tonight, whipping my head, back and forth, and a good number will probably suffer whip-lash, some will die from head bashing gone too far...
I digress. Yes, you kids may be sublimely entertaining, but do you really want them to become star children? Remember Drew Barrymore...Britney Spears...
And besides, your daughter may be single-handedly responsible for turning toddlers into little gaymos. I can see it now, gays turning in their little pussy-dogs for sassy diamond-encrusted 9 year old girls who they take to the clubs and walk in parks. The new status symbol. And to hurt each other they insult each other's 9-year-old. Totally harsh, no? Do you want your daughter to be responsible for that?
And don't get me started on the title! 'Whip my hair?' Really?
Will, do you know who whips their hair? Cue Jeopardy music....
Prostitutes! Especially when trying to land a john perched on the ledge of a rolled-down car window. Back and forth. Until the deal is sealed.
Perhaps that should be her follow up single: Until the deal is sealed.
Ha!
And do us all a favor Will, stop comparing her to Michael Jackson. It's not that it's too soon... It's just that:
(a) it's probably not true (b) ok, i understated the case. I'ts not true. (c) Michael was great but he was crazy!
Chris Rock once said that a father has but one sole responsibility to his daughter - Keep her off the pole! I could not agree more. If you keep letting her sing this crazy ass music, and if you keep encouraging her to be the second-coming of whack jobs, I will call Child Protective Services.
No longer will you depend on your children's income, but on your own lazy-eyed talents. Frightening, no? You better shape up, or I will strip your tree of all the fruit you have born. Will Smith, you are one hot ass mess.
Btw, do you know who else whips their hair? Yet another role model. See below.
grl, U.S. Urges Iraqis to Try New Plan to Share Power (grl,I love power play.) By MICHAEL R. GORDON and ANTHONY SHADID The Obama administration is pushing a power-sharing arrangement in Iraq that could retain Nuri Kamal al-Maliki as prime minister but curb his authority.
grl, Secret Tape Has Police Pressing Ticket Quotas (grl, You know I love me some secrets. Come sit by me if you got something to say, and if you talking shit, sit even closer. Haaaay! hhaha) By AL BAKER and RAY RIVERA On the tape, a Brooklyn precinct’s commanders are heard demanding officers write a certain number of summonses.
grl, Budget Woes Hit Defense Lawyers for the Indigent (grl, Indigent? What is that? Is this the SATs or something? Fuck. Wait, doesn't that mean 'hoodrat' or something? Anyway, what they complaining about now?) By MONICA DAVEY Public defenders in Missouri say the budget is interfering with their ability to provide poor defendants with their right to a lawyer.
grl, Judge Rules That Military Policy Violates Rights of Gays (grl, I'm about to violate a gay in honor this good news! Haaaaaay!) By JOHN SCHWARTZ While the policy, known as “don’t ask, don’t tell,” will not change right away, the ruling reflects others taking aim at discrimination against homosexuals.
grl, Visiting Ground Zero, Asking Allah for Comfort (grl, I'd rather a real man comfort me, not some spirit called Allah, I need to feel a man, not feel a man, you know what I'm sayin'?) By SAM DOLNICK Hadidjatou Karamoko Traoré is a 9/11 widow who has had to balance an overnight job, three children and her Muslim faith.
grl, A Rock Impresario Gambles on ‘Spider-Man’ (grl, I don't like my Spider-Man to prance and sing, I want him shooting spider spooge, climbing buildings and kissing me to shambles as he hangs upside down from the fire escape of a tenament. Mmmmmmm. So, thumbs down to this show. Basically.) By PATRICK HEALY Michael Cohl, the lead producer of the musical, is taking a risk on the most expensive show in Broadway history.
grl, Coverage of Koran Case Stirs Questions on Media Role (grl, Burning books is not cute. How else is a bitch supposed to educate herself. I suck my teeth at these ignorant philistines.) By BRIAN STELTER Terry Jones put himself at the center of a controversy by using the news lull of summer and a 24-hour news cycle to promote his anti-Islam cause.
grl, Pentagon Plan: Buying Books to Keep Secrets (grl, Don't they know that you can find all this stuff on blogs? Gawd, old people just don't get it. It's called technology, Luddites.) By SCOTT SHANE Officials are attempting to buy and destroy copies of an Afghan war memoir they say holds intelligence secrets.
Minority readers, there is a pain in my heart today. And I know you have it too.
And I know when it started. It began when you found out that the person holding the employee's of the Discovery channel hostage in Silver Springs was a minority.
I have been tracking this story since it began earlier today, and waited with bated breath to learn the identity of the whack-job who is upset with Discovery for not producing his idea of earth-friendly game shows that teach people to respect nature and to fight for preservation. Among other things.
Like his belief that the Discovery channel is leading people to wasteful earth-trampling behavior...
I mean, really? W to TF! What else can the Discovery channel be accused of other than educating the ignorant masses? I mean, guy, do you just hate to learn?
And you are Asian. You are supposed to be the fucking model-minority! You are supposed to love learning!
Not only are you doing a bad thing for the reputation of minorities but you are also bringing Asians down, and that's a hard thing, I mean, fucking institutions of higher education have quotas to keep you bitches out because you are so damn high-achieving!
Take the racist-honor and run with it. As an Asian, your best plan of action would be to get a PhD/MBA, get control of the fucking company and run it your way. Then you can have all the fucking crazy ass Asian-themed games shows your little heart desires.
I mean, what is it with you Asians and your fucking fucked-up game shows anyway. That shit does not work over here and we are glad for it:
Bang away. Because we are not.
How this shit is supposed to inspire me to save the planet is beyond me.
Minorities, please do not hold anybody hostage. But if you do, please let it be worth the damage you have done to our reputation as a whole. Like, getting Ricky Martin to admit that even he knew that no one in the world was surprised or fooled by this coming out. Now, if you can get that bitch to admit that...only then would I say that it is OK to take someone hostage, then I'd say sorry, and then I'd shut up.
Minorities, if you take a people hostage, you know that THEY are just gonna keep screening us at airport lines and pretty soon, even at Wal-Mart, and nobody wants to be held up from devouring their economy sized chicharones while sitting in their new Jesus-emblazoned plastic lawn chair and watching the finale of Perro Amor in the privacy of their own home.
When you see a girl watching 'Saved By The Bell' while running on a treadmill at the gym, and she is laughing, but she has no head phones on, please walk up to her, point & laugh.
When someone you know burns an Eggo, grab the maple syrup, point it at their face, and laugh.
If your facebook friend posts a naked, ball-dangling picture of himself, unfriend that bitch, send them an anonymous letter with pop-up finger and accompanied automated laughter triggered by the opening of the letter.
If you have an kosher-observant Jewish friend, and they have pissed you off, invite them to your home, pour them a glass of tap water. After the night is over, and they are home, post a facebook album with two pictures: one of your friend drinking the water, and another of this crustacean:
The note under the picture should read:
"These copepods (not-kosher) are added to NYC water to eat mosquito larvae, keeping water sources clear."
Wait for the phone call, answer the call by pointing at the receiver and laughing.
The purpose of this column is to recommend to U.S. immigration hot ass Latino men to whom they should extend citizenship immediately. Beautiful Latino men are a terrible thing to waste. Or detain, or deport, for that matter.
We need to deal with this serious problem of immigration reform now!
Alright first up, Spain's 2010 World Cup Soccer Team. I don't know these guys names, and nor do you. And you probably don't remember any of them, individually. But we do remember them collectively. They were heads above any other team on the planet in terms of hotness.
U.S. Immigration, you can not deny the American public this hotness. We are supposed to be colonizers. We are supposed to espy the best of the world and take it! In this vein, I think that it is an unforgivably egregious mistake to have not granted citizenship to this team yet.
America can not wait any longer while you sit on your thumbs. We want immigration reform today! Alejandro Amnesty NOW!
This trailer would cause a gay guy to relinquish cock and take that fatal apocalyptic vaginal plummet into hetero-normativity. Ghastly, no?
By the end of this post, I hope to give every subset of gay reflected in this advert a new hole to play with.
If straight people are worried that the exposure of gay people would lead to higher rates of gayness, well then, I ask that you consider this television show, whose side effects include: explosive diarrhea, overly-ornate dressing, tacky-ass accessorizing, bulimia, anorexia, massive defense mechanisms like a hyper-inflated ego to deal with the fact that you are in actual fact a hideous person, both inside and out, so much money as a result of your membership in the gay mafia, the gay A-list, that you will unattentively murder countless people with a dismissive glance, a VIP list, with the use of subtle and blithely, racist and bougie, presumptive clauses in conversation.
This gay drug is not for those seeking highs. It is for all of you who hate gays and are looking for confirmation that gays are indeed selfish, superficial, money-obsessed, racist, nymphomaniacs who are clueless about the real matters in life.
Gay people, are we all auditioning to star in The Hills?
Was there a memo?
Gay housewives is like an overly-lubed freshly-fisted chunnel (chocolate tunnel).
Sloppy, not pleasing and horrifying to look at.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get this cock out of my mouth! Give me pussy, or give me death.
The FBI should really become better at finding refugee fetuses.
This one apparently escaped to Bosnia where she has lived in hiding for many years, and has since, I assume, rampantly puppy-napped freshly-born litters for the maniacal purpose of lobbing them into a river.
What a sick little bitch.
This fetus probably flushed herself to Bosnia once she learned that the FBI was after her.
People, if you have the slightest inkling that your child will become a murderous puppy-launcher, abort!
Everybody knows that puppies are cuter than babies, especially babies who become fuck-ups.
Fetus, listen up. Out you go! OUT! And take the bath water with you.
grl, Entire Cast of Jersey Shore Sued (grl, Would you kick a retarded person right after they won a medal at the special olympics? No! Leave the cast of Jersey Shore alone. ...Unless, you are also retarded, well then, you are evenly matched, so go for it. Besides, everybody loves to watch retards fighting. Jersey Shore as evidence.)
grl, Obama Says Iraq Combat Mission Is Over (grl, Does anybody else curl up to this man's speeches and pretend that he is your husband, taking charge, running things...?) By HELENE COOPER and SHERYL GAY STOLBERG In his second address from the Oval Office, President Obama reminded America that, in giving Iraqis responsibility for their own security, he was fulfilling a campaign promise. grl, Trapped Chilean Miners Forge Refuge (grl, Oh yeah, they're still down there.) By ALEXEI BARRIONUEVO Thirty-three miners deep underground will play a critical role in their rescue, making their organization and leadership essential, officials said.
grl, Afghan Government Moves to Bolster Leading Bank (grl, Show me one honest bank, and I will show you my left nut.) By DEXTER FILKINS A sudden intervention to shore up the deeply troubled Kabul Bank prompted fears about the integrity of the Afghan financial system.
grl,Formula to Grade Teachers’ Skill Gains in Use, and Critics (grl, Why they spending so much time trying to fix schools in all these nerdy ass ways? Just hire hot teachers. Trust that the students will do anything to excel under those circumstances.) By SAM DILLON Many school districts have adopted a system called value-added modeling to evaluate teachers, provoking battles from Washington to Los Angeles.
grl, TV News for Early Risers (or Late-to-Bedders) (grl, The news is the last think I want to turn on late at night! Or early in the morning. Haaaaay!) By BRIAN STELTER The new battleground for stations is the morning, with news broadcasts going on air at 4:30 a.m. or earlier.
grl, In Wisconsin, an Incumbent Holds Tight (grl, No, we simply can not let the republicans in power. They are so boorrring. Every time they are in charge it feels like church on an early Sunday morning. Inconvenient and preachy.) By JEFF ZELENY Senator Russ Feingold’s unexpectedly tight race suggests that Republicans have a better opportunity to win back the Senate than they had imagined.
grl, Paladino Rides on Anger in G.O.P. Governor Race (grl, Riding angry is never a good idea. Things could break.) By JAVIER C. HERNANDEZ Carl P. Paladino is connecting with voters’ anger and worrying Rick A. Lazio’s supporters.
It is bad enough that I fear for my life every time I appear in public, especially when I am on the subway in the heat of rush hour, pressed against the bodies of countless new yorkers about whom I have no proof of cleanliness. Shiver.
Thanks to you I avoid Brooklyn and Queens altogether. What with hipsters and immigrants, I will not risk it. And as for my mother who lives in Brooklyn, we spent four years apart in college, we can use this time to develop our separate interests.
I can handle all of these inconveniences like a champ.
What I can't handle is how you fuck with my head every single time I plan on fucking.
Think about it, who the fuck wants to fuck? Everybody! When? All the fucking time! Where? ON A FUCKING BED!
You fucking parasite. You got us all by the balls, literally sometimes, I imagine. You know I can't go for long without fucking, none of us can, and you have all the fucking patience in the world, don't you? Lying dormant in beds, no fucking food, for a year. You know we'll break, and then there you'll be, with your damned little pinchers, waiting to claw me as I'm thrusting away, right at that off-chance moment when my balls slap against the bed. Yeah, it be easier to bite me post-coitus. But that's too easy for you isn't you little shithead?
Oh so much, I hate you.
Do you know how many people I've turned down for fear of you? STDs are second on my mind! Imagine that shit, man.
I may have to start thwacking my sexual prey and dragging them into a forest somewhere, maybe central park.
You are the fucking Machiavelli of blocking cocks. Fuck you.
What the fuck are you going through that you have to go to Sephora to steal a hairnet just so that you can get a high? A fucking hairnet.
I mean, what is your name even. Yeah, I know that you are a daughter of Rudy Giuliani, but really, who are you?
Yeah, you go to Harvard, but so do thousands of other unqualified legacy douchebags. With daddy issues. Yeah, I remember when you 'liked' Barack Obama's page when your dad was still in the running for the presidency. But then you unliked it cuz you know who pays the bills. Ack, such a stereotype. Headline: Rich white girl hates her father and is bored with her life so she goes off to steal such loot befitting a prostitute: hairnet, eyeliner...
Snooze.
Oh, jesus, grl, daughter of Rudy, I hate you so much that I have started using white bro insults. 'Douchebags.' Did I really say that? You make me feel like shit and I wish you would die, and all your kind too.
Damn, I be wishing death on a lot of you H.A.M.s You will all kill me, one little death at a time.
Her name is Paris Hilton, she is an heiress to the international Hilton hotel mega-franchise.
She was a 'model,' attended great schools, all of her friends are famous and/or rich and/or accomplished. She's traveled the world, had television shows and has met dignitaries the world over. She's had meals that would cover the rent on your bungalow for months. By all accounts, this woman has had all the advantages one would dream of having in life.
Still, this bitch can not tell the difference between cocaine and gum.
FAIL.
LIFE FAIL.
Abortion would have prevented this major mishap in history. People like this are testament to why we need to exercise control over who is allowed to roam this earth.
Ok, perhaps Paris was at a wonderful daughter and it was not until she grew up that one could patently see that she is a fuck up on the scale of Chernobyl. This is why one should be able to abort their fetus up until that fetus becomes 18 years old.
Paris, this is a harsh measure, but you inspired me to draw up this legislation, we simply can not have another Chernobyl, another Hiroshima or Nagasaki. The human race is still trying to shake off those genetic mutations, mutations which you are all too apt to propagate.
On a plus side, I am sure you have had occasion to take advantage of plan B, and for this we are all thankful.
But, since the media loves you, we are all your spawn in a sense, and that which we inherit from you will retard civilization's progress. You are like creationism, or like those conservative whackjobs who argue against stem cell research...
Note Dodo: Did you know that stem cell research is the most promising source for a cure to your daft-headedness?
Oh, Paris. We should have stopped you a long time ago. But, alas, you are past your 18th birthday. So, please, whenever you crash and burn, call the media, stand at the pillory and present yourself as example number 3 as to why we should abort more readily as a society. You are a very convincing tragedy.
grl, Lindsay, no more melt downs this year, ok? grl, I can't take it no more... Ok, maybe just one more? On my birthday? Please... grl, Outlines Emerge of Future State in the West Bank (grl, I love it when you can the the outline of great things to come, you know what i'm sayin?!) By ETHAN BRONNER As a Middle East summit meeting approaches in Washington, some find encouraging signs about a two-state solution in improved security and governance by the Palestinian Authority.
grl, New York Rebounds From Slump, Unevenly (grl, Oh no, grl, slumping is not cute. Get it together New York, or you will be passed up!) By PATRICK McGEEHAN The city has weathered the recession better than was feared, but the view is often bleaker outside Manhattan.
grl, Army Revises Training to Deal With Unfit Recruits (grl, What is it with the slovenliness in today's news? New York is slumpy, recruits aren't working out? We need our troops hot, mmmkay?!) By JAMES DAO The goal of a new training program is to reduce injuries and better prepare recruits for the rigors of combat.
grl, Restoring Names to Iraq War’s Unknown Casualties (grl, Is this war over yet?) By ANTHONY SHADID A quest to confirm the death of a loved one — a son, husband, father and brother — took years, along with courage and luck.
grl, Lenders Back Off of Environmental Risks (grl, You bedda keep backing up on that thing!) By TOM ZELLER Jr. Some large lenders are taking a stand on industry practices — like mining and deforestation — that they regard as risky to their reputations.
But, seriously, do not spend countless hours training your dog how to dance the merengue, do not spend your government stipend on a ridiculous-looking and expensive outfit for your dog, and and do not invite your village to view what you so shamelessly have been practicing with your dog in the privacy of your own home for the past three months.
It's downright bestial.
You should be spending that time at home with your children.
Minorities, do not dance the merengue in public with your dog because everybody is just going to think that we love our animals more than we love our children. They think that about us and cars already.
We have so much to learn minorities.
And don't even get me started on this dumb ass dog! Why would you agree to do any of this? For a fucking treat! This fucking dog is just about the stupidest piece of shit I've ever seen. No fucking dignity. This dog really is a hot ass mess. It probably goes home every night talking to his dog family and friends in dog about how he is so famous and well-revered in the human world.
WRONG!
Humans do not respect you and you are sure as hell, not famous.
You are on fucking youtube, a virtual stage for fuck-ups the world over.
Minorities, not only should we not dance with our dogs in public, but we should also stay away from trying to become famous through our sycophantic pets, because the limited fame they do attain will get to their heads, and everybody knows what happens to an overly-proud dog: they hump legs.
Especially when you have guests over.
Minorities. Don't let your dogs hump legs in public. Please. If it is true that dog's reflect their owners sentiments, well then your guests are only right in thinking things about you.
grl, China Fortifies State Businesses to Fuel Growth (grl, Have you noticed that America is scared of the cultures with the most delicious foods? Think about it, Mexican and Chinese... They are colonizing us from within! hahahah) By MICHAEL WINES While China owes its rapid growth to private business, it is often the state’s companies that are on the march, in part because of state-bank financing and stimulus spending.
grl, Border Sweeps in North Reach Miles Into U.S. (grl, Them Canadians be trying to sneak in!) By NINA BERNSTEIN Hundreds of passengers are taken into detention each year from domestic trains and buses along the nation’s northern border.
grl, Risk-Taking Rises as Oil Rigs in Gulf Drill Deeper (grl, Things always get too risky when you drill too deep!) By JAD MOUAWAD and BARRY MEIER As regulators investigate the causes of the Deepwater Horizon disaster, the broader dangers posed by the oil industry’s push into deeper waters have gone largely unscrutinized.
grl, Orange County Is No Longer Nixon Country (grl, Does Obama know that there are such places in our country named after Nixon? Uh-uh, we need to change this.) By ADAM NAGOURNEY Changes in Orange County, Calif., long a conservative symbol, reflect the state and much of the nation.
grl, Powell vs. Rangel: Testy Remake After 40 Years (grl, This drama is better than my daytime soaps.) By MICHAEL BARBARO Adam Clayton Powell IV and Charles B. Rangel, the 20-term Harlem congressman who succeeded Mr. Powell’s father, have been trading angry attacks.
grl, For Arms Sales Suspect, Secrets Are Bargaining Chips (grl, Sometimes what you see in movies is true.) By SCOTT SHANE Viktor Bout’s future may hang on whether he can trade on what officials believe is his vast knowledge of global criminal networks.
grl, Retargeting Ads Follow Surfers to Other Sites (grl, You know they watching us.) By MIGUEL HELFT and TANZINA VEGA Ads tailored to online shoppers based on the products they have perused are leaving consumers with an eerie feeling.
Spawn can use their talents to spread good will throughout the world and to improve upon our society's negative qualities. Or they can promote obesity and obeisance to that humanity-crushing ideology we call capitalism, like the singing group above, who I like to call, "The Disappoinments."
Could you imagine? Your child being responsible for a McDonald's jingle?
I personally balk at the idea.
People, please abort fetuses more readily, because they are the root of obesity and the ever-growing gap between the haves and have-nots. For a slimmer, more humane world, please, I beg you.
Stupid fucking tiger. Man, is it just me or are these damn terrorists getting dumber by the fucking day?
Here we have a tiger, who probably wanted to go to Iran to some Al Qaeda training camp, or he was probably on some spy mission in Bangkok, gathering information to bring back home, and his fucking master plan to get through security was to scare a Thai woman into placing him in a bag full of stuffed tigers.
My heart pangs whenever I think of how you probably used that woman's family to motivate her to do such a stupid thing, probably a picture of them all tied up, dirty and bloodied faces.... "Take me across in this bag full of stuffed tigers, or your family is gone," in your stupid tiger-y voice.
And now the world has sympathy for you, cuz who'd think a baby tiger would do such a thing? I do! I know what you are up to!
And this poor woman will probably be put up at chez guantanamo for the rest of her reproductive years. You selfish piece of shit. And the world will be none the wiser, cuz you will probably just start licking your paws whenever anybody gets suspicious, to rankle their critical faculties in your cuteness.
grl, We need to improve our public education system!!! Stat. See above for why. But for real, if I saw her at the club, I would probably organize an angry gay mob to flashdance her off the dancefloor, and double-snap her out the club. OR, she would be my bestie, and I would do my hair to match hers, but with like a chewy chocolate chip cookies theme.
grl, Pakistan Flood Sets Back Years of Gains on Infrastructure (Could you imagine grl, the roads being all busted leaving you with no way to get to the club?) By CARLOTTA GALL The destruction of roads, schools and health clinics could further weaken a feeble civilian administration and add to the burdens on the military. grl, Iowa Town Is Tense as U.S. Ties Farm to Salmonella (grl, How much does inbreeding have to do with the fact that it was probably somebody's sisterwife lost focus at a critical moment in the assembly line of the industrial-size abattoir? Who's pointing the finger at them?) By MONICA DAVEY Some say disease is another reason to detest industrial-size farms, while others see them as an economic savior.
grl, Paterson Misled Inquiry Over Tickets, Report Says (grl, It was a pair of tickets, for real, chill.) By NICHOLAS CONFESSORE Gov. David A. Paterson misled investigators about how he got World Series tickets, an independent counsel said.
grl, Struggling Cities Shut Firehouses in Budget Crisis (grl, We need to do everything in our power to keep the hot ones employed at all costs. Who else is gonna populate those calendars?) By MICHAEL COOPER Fire departments around the nation are cutting jobs, closing firehouses and resorting to “rolling brownouts.”
grl, Behind Scenes of Gulf Oil Spill, Acrimony and Stress (grl, We know how stressful it was, trust, we were there, it was our planet you fucked up, all for greed, you dumb bitch. Chase a real story.) By CLIFFORD KRAUSS, HENRY FOUNTAIN and JOHN M. BRODER New information suggests that the process of killing the failed well was far more stressful and acrimonious than the public knew.
grl, Facing Long Mine Rescue, Chile Spares No Expense (grl, Its gonna take them months to extricate those miners...grl, that's a long time. If I were there, I would leave no hymen unturned. Haaay.) By ALEXEI BARRIONUEVO President Sebastián Piñera has staked his nascent presidency on rescuing the miners, sparing no attempted innovation to maintain their psychological health.
grl, Islamic Center Also Challenges a Young Builder (grl, Why are we even having this debate. They wanna open a community center dedicated to peace-making and bridge-making. What's the fucking problem? Ugh, this country exhausts me. I need a martini.) By ANNE BARNARD and CHRISTINE HAUGHNEY The developer of a divisive project is new to New York real estate work, which can demand experience and patience.
There are millions of reasons to abort a pregnancy. Courtney Love is number one.
In this new column I like to call "Reasons to Abort," I would like to bring our attention to degenerate parents and hellacious children across the nation. We should encourage abortion as much as we should encourage drivers to clean their windshields...it prevents us from encountering dangers that lie ahead.
Let's explore why Courtney Love inspires me to abort:
No child should ever have to show up at a parent teacher conference late because its mother momentarily collapsed while driving on the interstate due to a mini-coke overdose. And no child should have to wake up a day after its birthday to read its parent's birthday well-wishes on twitter, alongside a note stating that it ruined its parents life. (But really, Courtney, how much are you responsible for the ramshackle existence you've put together? Really?)
And no child should be judged on the whorishness of it's mother's shame-curdling outfit. Children should be free from judgment, should be encouraged to not become a pole dancer or a cum bucket and should grow up in a household conducive to life extending past the age of 7.
This woman is an argument to start a government sterilization program for men and women. It can be voluntary, but this program would be most effective if it were mandatory for dysfunctional Madeas like Courtney. That her uterus was allowed to reproduce is shameful. We should have sent Sigourney Weaver after Courtney. Sigourney got the alien queen bee. Surely, she could get Kurt Cobain's baby mama.
People! Even those of you who actually like children would agree that all of the Courtneys out there should not be allowed to have children. If we do not stop them, well, it would be like allowing another alien sequel to thrive on earth. Do you want to live in a world with millions of hellions running amok?
I do not. So please, Courtney, and all you would be Courtneys, shut ur trap.
You are the reason why theme parks are unpleasant, why the children of celebrities stuff our twitter feeds with inane shit that distracts us from real news. Devolution, here we go! Sounds like a good title for your next album. It will probably sell millions and become the soundtrack for all of the should-have-been-aborted children the world over.
Believe it or not, I do not exist for the purpose of entertaining you. If I miss a day, please stop sending me emails, text messages, & phone calls. I have to wonder about you hos who wait at your computer screens for that missive telling you that ONEWISEASSLATINO has been updated. Ugh. I had no idea that my audience was a bunch of bored middle class wives looking to fill the time between their favorite daytime talk shows. Listen up bougie ass bitches, get a job!
I have a job and I intend to keep it, so the last thing on my mind is this blog. Deal with it.
And now you are all asking me to make you the H.A.M. of the day. Who else has fans that want to be shat on? I'm telling you, you all are quite amazing.
Ugh, don't know if fame suits me. Cuz, I'm all about slapping a silly as ho who annoys me. So, don't test me. Fans, get back, because I am liable to beat you down, like Bjork did the paparazzi. For reading my blog, you are all Hot Ass Messes.
And for some reason, I am sure you will love this post more than any other.
So, in my own way, this is my love letter to you, my fans, you hammy ass hams. Love you.
