H.A.M. of the Day for July 28, 2010

Hasselback, the bitch who brought ignance back.


Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you dumb ass ho. You are the best example of evolution delayed. Yes, some of us still retain abnormally long stretches of the dna from our ancestors millenia ago. That would be you. Are you the first in your lineage to grow lungs and crawl out of water? And how did you get rid of our over-arching brow? Bone-shaving? Please let us know.

Your shrill ignorant remarks on the View have gone on for too long. You are the kind of bitch that dictators would send to the pillory. Oh, how I wish Pinochet were here. Trujillo, Mussolini.

On second thought, maybe not. They'd probably recruit you. So long as we proscribe you to sideshow status on a televised hen-house of self-entitled middle aged women, you will remain a yappy dog about whom everyone wonders, "When and how did we get her? And how many years can a dog be expected to live?"

The View is the best place for you. Though, I am just surprised that Whoopi ain't kick your ass after saying that ignorant shit about lesbians. I can't wait for this to happen... Imagine it, people, Whoopi lunging her body across that coffee table to go at Hasselback's throat. Emmy!

Hasselback, you are one hot ass mess.

Gaily News for July 28, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

HA! Don't this look like someone took a dump on the beach? How poetic. BP, you nasty.


Grl, On the Surface, Gulf Oil Spill Is Vanishing Fast; Concerns Stay (Grl, concerns about BP have existed, exist and will exist. This ain't news, even after we all grow cancerous boils on our necks.)
By JUSTIN GILLIS and CAMPBELL ROBERTSON
The oil is clearing much faster than expected, but concern remains over the unseen effects.

Grl, House Approves Money for Wars, but Rift Deepens (Grl, thinkin' on those men makes my rift deepen, haaaaay!)
By ELISABETH BUMILLER and CARL HULSE
The House approved a war funding bill, but Democrats splintered after a leak of documents showing the Afghanistan war was not going as well as portrayed.

Grl, Videos Rouse Russian Anger Toward Police (Grl, I don't mess with Russians, nah man, they have spies and the mafia is like the government instead of the other way around.)
By CLIFFORD J. LEVY
An insider account of the culture of corruption in the nation’s police forces has been viewed more than two million times.

Grl, Texas Battles Health Law Even as It Follows It (Grl, are we really concerned with Texas' health. The dental work alone would bankrupt our nation.)
By KEVIN SACK
An awkward dichotomy exists in many of the 21 states that are challenging the health care act, but are nonetheless required to follow it while their cases move through the courts.

Grl, Albany’s Two Payrolls: One Is Anybody’s Guess (Grl, it's hard out here for a pimp.)
By DANNY HAKIM
Gov. David A. Paterson wants to cut the state payroll, but no one knows for sure how big the work force actually is.

Grl, The Case for $320,000 Kindergarten Teachers (Grl, are you stupid? Who didn't know this before today? You are a prime suspect for natural selection. What's next 'Rich White People achieve more in life than poor wise ass latinos?' I tell you, grl, people don't make no sense.)
By DAVID LEONHARDT
A new study found students with better teachers learned more in kindergarten — and earned more as young adults.


Grl, China Pushes to End Public Shaming (Grl, why you gonna go ahead and do that, some bitches need to be publicly shamed. How else we gonna stop the neighborhood hoe from knocking on our mens' doors?)
By ANDREW JACOBS
The Ministry of Public Security has ordered the police to stop parading suspects in public after a growing outcry.

Grl, New York to Pay $7 Million in Police Shooting Case (Grl, I hope this don't mean that my subway fare is going up.)
By DAVID W. CHEN and AL BAKER
The city agreed to pay more than $7 million to the family and two friends of Sean Bell, who was fatally shot in 2006.

Gaily News for July 21, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Britney Spears, bitch, grl, you know you can afford to hire an exterminator. How you gonna go out on the street looking like that? Grl, you are messy.

Grl, States Embrace National Standards for Schools (Grl, I doubt we can do anything to help the hooligans that were on the train with me this morning. Education ain't gonna help them. What they need is a good tasering.)
By TAMAR LEWIN
States that adopt the standards by Aug. 2 win points in the Obama administration’s Race to the Top competition for a share of the $3.4 billion to be awarded in September.

Facing Pension Woes, Maine Looks to Social Security (Grl, I need to marry rich. This economics talk makes me dizzy.)
By MARY WILLIAMS WALSH
Some states provide retirement benefits for their employees solely from their state pension programs, but Maine, spurred by costs, is considering changes.

Water Dispute Increases India-Pakistan Tension (Grl, the last thing they need to be arguing about is water, don't they got them monsoons up over there? Ignant.)
By LYDIA POLGREEN and SABRINA TAVERNISE
A battle over a dam threatens to upset delicate negotiations to renew peace talks on Kashmir.

Britain’s Leader Carves Identity as Budget Slasher (This title makes me think that this article is either about a cooking show or a horror movie. In any case, this article has something to do with harmful sharp edges. And its in Britain so there's probably a wolf involved.)
By JOHN F. BURNS
After 10 weeks in office, David Cameron has emerged as one of the most activist prime ministers in modern times, rivaling in some respects even Margaret Thatcher.


Perfection in the Horseshoe Pit as the Best Ever Takes His Turn (Grl, Are you serious? Horsehoe is a fucking sport?)
By JOHN BRANCH
Alan Francis, widely considered the best horseshoe pitcher in history, has won 15 world titles, including the past seven.

For Those Deported, Court Rulings Come Too Late (Grl, how many cuties do we gotta lose before Obama does something? We should be keeping these alejandros and make it easy for them to visit us! We need alejandro amnesty.)
By NINA BERNSTEIN
A ruling that the government was wrong to automatically deport legal immigrants for minor drug offenses will not help thousands already ejected from the country.

H.A.M. of the day for July 19, 2010

Can I has better female politishunz, plz!

Sarah Palin, you dumb ass.... I so wanna use the 'b' word, but i can't, cuz i don't want anyone to mistake my comments for misogyny. I love a woman in power.

However, can we please dethrone this moose-hunting typing school graduate and give the mantle to a brilliant woman...there are plenty!

Sarah, you are exactly what happens to an under-educated public steeped in reality television. Yeah, you may be what it takes to keep thumb-sucking slack-jawed yokels from changing the channel to democrat, but i honestly don't want to continue on in the hopes of being Sarah Palin's idea of being America's Next Top American. Sarah, how many of us have to get eliminated until we get this America thing right?

I don't have time for your silly games. I've got an America to refudiate for refudiating me. So there.

I refudiate this woman's rise to power! I refudiate her pontential to become the president of the u.s.a.! I refudiate her threat to civilization! I refudiate! I refudiate! I refudiate!

I will not eat moose for breakfast, I will not own a gun, I will not accept an uninformed presidential candidate, sam i am.

I especially refudiate your 'youbetchas.' And I refudiate refudiate!

My favorite was when Obama responded to a journalist asking what he thought of your comments on nuclear issues:

“I really have no response,” he told ABC News. “Because last I checked, Sarah Palin’s not much of an expert on nuclear issues.”


I will add to the list of things that you are not expert at: English.

Sarah Palin, what exactly are you good at?

Sarah Palin, you are my hot ass mess of the day.

Knowing you though, you will probably find a way to turn this honorific into an asset. Congratulations.

Word of the Day for July 19, 2010

obsessica: n. that bitch who is so obsessed with you that she finds your number on facebook through a friend's account and sends you a text talking 'bout how she wants to see what you are up to tonite, and i hope you don't mind that i got your number from a friend, and that is was nice to meet you. Yes bitch, i do mind. And no, it was not nice to meet you. Since when is it nice to meet a stalker? Don't call me, and don't try to figure out what i do, what my schedule is, and what i like, cuz you have no business imagining what life would be like with me. It ain't gonna happen.

Obsessica, ur such a messica.

Gaily News for July 19, 2010

Do You Need to Douche More Often?

Grl, BP Hopes to Keep Gulf Well Closed, but Seeping Is Detected (Grl, we get the point already, these bitches don't know what they fuck they are doing, and in the process of their miraculous fuck-ups are probably shaving off a couple of millenia from human civilization's lifespan.)
By HENRY FOUNTAIN
BP said that it hoped to leave its well in the Gulf of Mexico closed down until it is permanently plugged, but federal officials warned of a potential seep on the sea floor near the well.

Grl, Pakistan’s Elite Pay Few Taxes, Widening Gap (Grl, even Pakistan believes in the myth of trickle down economics. Talk about ECONOMY FAIL. haaaaaaay.)
By SABRINA TAVERNISE
The lack of a workable tax system feeds an inequality in Pakistani society, where the wealth of its most powerful members is not redistributed or put to use for public good.

Grl, Obama Gains Evangelical Allies on Immigration (Grl, really, why do we even bother with these people. Give them Arizona and allow them to secede. I'm so done with evangelicals.)
By LAURIE GOODSTEIN
President Obama is picking up some unlikely supporters among evangelical leaders who support an overhaul that would include a path to legalization for illegal immigrants.

Grl, After Job Training, Still Scrambling for a Job (Grl, it is hard out heah for a p. i. m. p. with federally funded community based education training certification.)
By PETER S. GOODMAN
Hundreds of thousands of Americans enrolled in federally financed training programs, only to remain out of work.

Grl, Cajuns on Gulf Worry They May Need to Move Again (Grl, New Orleans is like Haiti - the place satan forgot. Not even a deal with the devil can help them out. ...too soon? )
By SUSAN SAULNY
The oil spill has added a new element of uncertainty to life on Louisiana’s bayous, which has long mixed beauty and wildlife with periods of natural destruction.

Grl, Creating Safer and Kinder Districts to Grow Old (Grl, there is very little the government can do to make the use of adult diapers dignified or better. In any way.)
By ANEMONA HARTOCOLLIS
Efforts to make it easier to grow old in New York City were born of good intentions as well as economic strategy.

Grl, French Heiress vs. Daughter and Political Intrigue (Grl, who gives a shit.)
By STEVEN ERLANGER
What began as a fierce family fight involving the heiress of the L’Oréal fortune, Liliane Bettencourt, has now shaken the office of President Nicolas Sarkozy.

H.A.M. of the Day for July 17, 2010

I adore Gabourey. Why? First, Precious. Have you seen it? Enough said.

Second, she was at Stonewall last night, a gay club in nyc heralded as the birth place of the gay civil rights movement when a bunch of drag queens and trannies beat the shit out of some cops sick on gay haterade.

Anywho, Gabourey was there getting her groove on, adorable as ever, slinging her weave left to right, totally on beat. Each time she'd turn her head, a series of wet strands of hair, on a two second delay, would follow and slap her face. Genius. Oscar-worthy performance.

So, no, Gabourey is not my H.A.M. of the day. She is too adorable. See here.

My hot ass mess of the day was the drunk ass lesbian who kept crashing herself into Gabourey and each time she did so, began grinding against a traumatized seeming Gabourey.

Not to be denied, this drunk ass lesbian kept following Gabourey, and Gabourey kept trying to escape the maniachal lesbian by scuttling to another area of the dancefloor and hiding behind a layer of friends.

The clueless lesbian jumped on stage (yes!) and began dancing on an imaginary pole, then used a chair as a prop like a private dancer at a strip club in a strip mall in the panhandle of Florida, and once satisfied that she garnered Gabourey's, and everybody else's attention, threw herself on the ground and begin grinding the floor while screeching like a wounded animal. You know this bitch thought she was the hottest piece of meat in the market, and that her noises were the siren call to open up all pussies within earshot. Gabourey left. FTW!

I left an hour later. Upon leaving I noticed the screeching lesbian on the pavement, passed out with her friends to her side, attempting to keep her alert.

Gabourey. I love you. And now we have a H.A.M. of the day in common. I feel so much closer to you than ever. Thank you, you H.A.M. lesbian.

Gaga's Alejandro, Re-Interpreted by One Wise Ass Latino

We know that we are fiiine
And we know that you may love us
But we just can't be with you like this anymore
White People

You get our names wrong
So often
But we don't say a thing (don't say a thing)
We hide our true feelings
In our pockets
But now its time to speak up
About you

You know that I met you coming back
from Mexico
In braids
That sweet tooth for pretty little latino boys
you've got to lose

Don't call me by
Don't call my by
Alejandro
That's not my name
That's not my name
White people
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Get my name right, first
Don't call me by
Don't call me by
Roberto

White People
White People
Dumb White People
Dumb Ass White People

Stop
Please, just don't even try
White people
Forget you met me

We're not a platter
On a menu
A happy boy toy
In a meal
And we're not all objects
With the same name
Pre-packaged for ease
Of use and to refuse

You know that I met you coming back
From Mexico
In braids
That sweet tooth for pretty little latino boys
You've got to lose

Don't call me by
Don't call me by
Alejandro
That's not my name
That's not my name
White people
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Get my name right, first
Don't call me by
Don't call me by
Roberto

White People
White People
Dumb White People
Dumb Ass White People

Don't bother me
Don't bother me
White people
Don't call me by
Don't call me by
Alejandro
That's not my name
That's not my name
White People
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
White People

Don't call me by
Don't call me by
Alejandro
That's not my name
That's not my name
White people
Don't wanna kiss
Don't wanna touch
Get my name right, first
Don't call me by
Don't call me by
Roberto

White People
White People
Dumb White People
Dumb Ass White People

Gaily News for July 15, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Aw, grl, damn! Who left this dead ass turtle on the carpet. Fuck, can't a bitch have nice things without her friends leaving dead shit all around? Wait, let me get a picture of it to post on facebook.

Grl, Afghans to Form Local Forces to Fight Taliban
By ALISSA J. RUBIN
After intensive discussions with NATO commanders, the Afghan government approved a program to establish local defense forces around the country.

Grl, F.D.A. Panel Votes to Restrict Avandia
By GARDINER HARRIS
The majority of panel members voted either to withdraw the diabetes drug Avandia or allow sales with controls.

Grl, Animal Autopsies in Gulf Yield a Mystery
By SHAILA DEWAN
The vast majority of the dead animals that have been found along the Gulf Coast show no visible signs of oil contamination.

Grl, Ethics Inquiry Focuses on Fund-Raisers and House Vote
By ERIC LIPTON and ERIC LICHTBLAU
An investigation is focusing on a series of fund-raisers last December, in the days immediately before the House’s initial adoption of a financial overhaul.

Grl, Federal Oversight for Troubled N.Y. Youth Prisons
By NICHOLAS CONFESSORE
A settlement will usher in the most significant expansion in years of mental health services for youths in custody.

Grl, ‘Immigrant’ List Sets Off Fears
By KIRK JOHNSON
A detailed list of 1,300 Utah residents labeled “illegal immigrants” was sent to law enforcement and media.

Grl, After High Line’s Success, Other Cities Look Up
By KATE TAYLOR
The High Line elevated park in Manhattan has motivated a host of other cities to try copying its success.

H.A.M. of the day for July 14, 2010

The fucking iPhone is not my hot ass mess of the day. The legions of dumb ass bitches who buy this call-dropping hot mess of a phone are. Hey, listen up, dumb asses, don't worry about the fact that the phone you have may cut out at important moments, like in the case of an emergency, or at a relationship defining moment. Your phone is why you will die in a ditch, unnoticed. And single, at that.

No don't worry about that.

And don't worry about the fact that the new phone has a design flaw:

"When your finger or hand touches a spot on the phone's lower left side—an easy thing, especially for lefties—the signal can significantly degrade enough to cause you to lose your connection altogether if you're in an area with a weak signal. Due to this problem, we can't recommend the iPhone 4."

Consumer Reports goes on to state a remedy:

"We did, however, find an affordable solution for suffering iPhone 4 users: Cover the antenna gap with a piece of duct tape or another thick, non-conductive material. It may not be pretty, but it works."

Yeah. Cute. Real cute.

Your iPhone has always been retarded. Ever since the first iteration it has been known for it's highly developed call-dropping ability. Now it looks retarded.

But don't worry, we are all thoroughly impressed by your buying power.

You fucking tools.

Gaily News for July 14, 2010

Grl, apparently a pedophile died and we should all care. Who the fuck is this guy? His picture is everywhere! For real man, who cares? Anyway, here is your gaily news grl. Enjoy.

Grl, Police Are Charged in Post-Katrina Shootings
By CAMPBELL ROBERTSON
Six officers were charged in connection with shootings on a bridge in the days after Hurricane Katrina that left two dead and four wounded.

Grl, Rules Seek to Expand Diagnosis of Alzheimer’s
By GINA KOLATA
Experts predict a two- to threefold increase in the number of people with the disease if new guidelines are adopted, as expected.

Grl, Trapped by Gaza Blockade, Locked in Despair
By MICHAEL SLACKMAN and ETHAN BRONNER
The three-year blockade by Israel and Egypt — and the bitter rivalry between Palestinian factions — has turned the Gazans’ difficult life into a new torment.

Grl, Iranian Scientist Emerges in D.C., but Mystery Only Deepens
By DAVID E. SANGER
In the latest twist in a murky tale, a nuclear scientist who Tehran says was kidnapped by the C.I.A. took refuge in the Pakistani Embassy in Washington, Pakistan said.

Grl, George Steinbrenner, Who Built Yankees Into Powerhouse, Dies at 80
By RICHARD GOLDSTEIN
Mr. Steinbrenner bought a declining team in 1973, and then, in an often tumultuous reign, placed his stamp on seven World Series championship teams.

Grl, California May Drop Rock, and Geologists Feel the Pain
By JENNIFER STEINHAUER
Geologists oppose legislation that would lift the designation of serpentine — which contains asbestos — as the state rock.

Word of the Day

manopause: (phase of life) when your homegirl is strung up on a dude. its a force stronger than a crack addiction and causes your homegirl to bail on you at the last minute just cuz she'd rather sit on her phone at home and wait for HIS vibration. every weekend. one can only hope she will eventually snap out of manopause.

too many women go through this phase of life, but they need to avoid it as much as possible. it is a waste of time, resources and it pisses me off whenever i am canceled on. in other words, it fucks up your relationships!

fuck manopausal bitches! we need to invent a pill for them silly ass hoes.

Don't Give a F*ck

Ok, so I missed a day. Y'all need to stop writing me when this happens, cuz this won't be the last time. Don't y'all think I know that I missed a day. I'm not a DAB, dumb ass bitch. OK?

Besides, minorities have to work to eat three times a day, ok. Shit, don't you think I got better shit to do than to update this fucking blog.

Fuck you.

But, I got time today, so I got more coming for you.

Thanks for the emails, but shit, a thank you would be nice. Stop riding me.

Fuck and Love you,
onewiseasslatino

Word of the Day

Gayorican: n. a person who is gay, Puerto Rican and has lived in New York for most, if not all, of their formative years, or for such an amount of time as would be necessary to morph the personality of the person in question such that the requisite amount of subsumation of New York's essence to become a Newyorican is not in question.

Haterican: n. that dumbass person who just so happens to be of Puerto Rican origin at the club (a) who won't leave you alone; (b)is always trying to kill your buzz by saying disparaging shit about you, like a crab in a barrel of crabs; (c) is mad jealous of your hair, skin, clothes, or your man or woman, and instead of congratulating you, hates on you; (d) that bitch who wore the same shirt to the club as you even though you told him not to; (e) the same bitch who you met at the club this past weekend who said you wasn't latino cuz you were too light-skinned; (f) yep, that same bitch who was talking shit about how your gay ass was not puerto rican cuz you are gay, and no puertorican men are gay, right? riiiiiiight.

Fuck hatericans.

Love the gayoricans.

Dispense hate wisely.

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public: Appear in Public with more than two of your children.

I can't believe I have to say this...

Minorities, please, for the love of God, do not appear in public with more than two of your children in tow.

Really.

Stop.

NOTICE: I did not say that you should put a limit on how many children you can have. I am not interested in finagling with anybodies fallopian tubes. You can do that on your own time. And don't email be about it! Besides, I am more than interested in Us becoming the majority. So, please, by all means, bump like bunnies. But, as to the public sphere...

And remember, I'm just saying this, as I am with all of my entries, for our own good.

Minorities, you should only appear in public with, at most, two of your children, because you know that they are just going to think that:

(a) We are responsible for over-population. I don't mean this just as far as tree-hugging is concerned. I mean they don't want to see too many of us at once. They are scared enough of one minority, imagine how much they'll freak out if they see us reproducing in massive numbers! I bet their response will be to diminish funding for public education and increase the number of prisons. Give your extra kids some books and a membership to the girls and boys club.

Some advice: Picking which of your children will appear in public with you will allow you to put your best foot forward as a minority, as you will have chosen your prized children to represent us. At the very least, they will think that we are filling the world with remarkable individuals. We all know they over-react when our kids do the very same wild things that their kids do. Let's call them ambassador children.

(b) We are responsible for global warming. (You know they'll find a way to do it, and a busload of children seems to me a good enough reason.) Word of advice: So that people won't get irritated when you get on the train or bus and force eight people to get up out of their seats, something they only do because the sight of your tribe makes them feel guilty, keep some kids at home. Although your children are adorable, I don't doubt it, please be strict with how many children accompany you on mass transit. Everybody knows that packed trains and buses are responsible for many unpublicized race riots.

Besides, we can even relate to them on this. How many times must we have to make room for perambulating villages during our commute to work in the mornings?

Let's be done with it.

Tread lightly, minorities.

You know they are just going to think that we crossed the border and are looking to set up a shanty town on their block.

One White Person I Would Not Let Babysit My Child

White Jesus! Everybody knows that you are an impostor. And every kid knows about stranger danger.

Not only do I want my children to stay away from strangers, especially those who hide their real identity in order to get control of other people. I also want my kids to correct the lies we were all told in school, i.e., mankind's savior is white. Why are white people always trying to take credit for everything we do, like saving mankind. Yep, white people, that achievement, is ours. We thank you for all else, and we really do appreciate all of your offerings to mankind, but lets face it, all of those are mere baubles compared to what we have done. The uplifting of all earthly souls into heaven! Deal with it!

White Jesus, do you really expect me to believe that a white man would live in his childhood home until he reached 30, would work as a carpenter -without education or certification- in order to support his parents and his band of itinerant homies, all of whom migrated across the border and set up homes in shantytowns in order to make ends meet; had parenst that believed in miracles, like seeing saints and shit in burning bushes, and have a mother who would pretend to have never had sex even though she has a child? No! Jesus was not white. Jesus was Mexican. I'm dying if I'm lying. A hard-working hippy Mexican. With locks.

White Jesus, you are like a particularly convincing Elvis impersonator. We all may walk into your church in good faith, but once we walk in there, we all know something ain't right. And I'm here to tell the people -- It's you!

White Jesus, stay away from my children, or else there will be a whole lot of shaking going on.

H.A.M. of the Day

Truth be told, today I was torn about who would be the H.A.M. of the day. It was between the ragged bunch of fuck-ups we call the MTA and mother nature. Anybody living in new york city that is dependent upon public transportation knows exactly why the MTA deserves to be called the H.A.M. of the day, if not month, if not year. And fuck this heat, mother nature needs to stop putting us all through menopause. This shit is serious and definitely not cute when you walk out your house and are doused in your own sweat a block away from home. Don't even with Ciara's new music video. I'ma put that bitch on blast this Friday. Just you wait. Alls I'll say is that apparently the rent is due at Chez Ciara.

The MTA probably would have won, cuz I hate them. Oh, so much. So, so much. But then I found this video. What a hot ass mess.

Is this guy serious? This man's chances of getting laid just plummeted. What am I saying? If anybody actually thinks that this guy had any prospects before this video came out, write me so i can have your address to come and slap you. This video just makes public what the small number of people that he calls friends know already - he believes in leprechauns and is the identical twin of that dumb ass who loved bears so much that he went to live with them and then was eaten by them.

This guy should try to ride the rainbow. Just jump off the cliff and ride that rainbow until he falls right into the pot of gold!

Gaily News - The daily news translated for gay people.

Grl, New York Wilts Under Record-Breaking Heat Wave
By PATRICK McGEEHAN and FERNANDA SANTOS
The temperature reached 102 degrees, grl, breaking the record high for the day, straining power supplies and testing New Yorkers’ resilience.

U.S. and Israel Shift Attention to Peace Process, Grl
By SHERYL GAY STOLBERG and MARK LANDLER
Grl, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel told President Obama he would take “concrete steps” on talks with the Palestinians.

Grl, A New Generation, an Elusive American Dream
By LOUIS UCHITELLE
In the Nicholson family, America is not delivering for a grandson as it did for his father and grandfather, grl.

Arizona Law Causes Split for Governors Sharing Border, Grl
By RANDAL C. ARCHIBOLD
For nearly three decades, grl, governors from both sides of the United States-Mexico border have held a conference, but this year, things are uncertain.

Grl, Republican Emerges as Obama’s Annoyer-in-Chief
By MARK LEIBOVICH
Every Congress seems to produce a designated pest, and for this White House, grl, he is Representative Darrell Issa of California.

Grl, Louisiana and Scientists Spar Over How to Stop Oil
By JOHN COLLINS RUDOLF
Local officials say the government’s plan to build rock dams to capture oil in the Gulf of Mexico is too risky. Grl!

Dispatches from Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM bracelet.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

H.A.M. of the Day

Luda. Seriously, let's sit down and talk. What is going on? Did you impregnante too many hos in too many different area codes? Did you have one more drink above and beyond your 9 orders of chicken and beer while you was at the number one spot in the red light district? Did you put your dick where you should have put your money and now you got another child of the night to take care of? Are you too full of southern hospitality to tell your hos to get up off you with them paternity test requests? You need to stop pussy-poppin?! I mean, how low can you go? Slap! Your dumb ass has been actin' a fool 2fast and 2 furious 4 2long. You need to think about your street cred, which is now basically extinct. You need to move, get out the way...of your own career!

The next time you think about having unprotected sex with a ho, just think about that ho comin' up to you in nine months demanding that you pay child support, and think about the strange bedfellows you will have to make in order to get that paycheck. Because, in my head, surely this is the only reason one would cut a record with a 30 year old lesbian who poses as a teenage heart-throb pop star.

Damn, man, Luda! How could you do this! You are one hot ass mess.

Gaily News: The daily news translated for gay people.

The Queen is visiting New York today, grl!

Grl, To Stop Cheats, Colleges Learn Their Trickery
Grl, it's by TRIP GABRIEL
At the University of Central Florida, a testing center uses cameras and computers to try to cut down on cheating, ok, grl.

Grl, Utah Gun Permits Popular With Out-of-Staters
by By DAN FROSCH, grl
Grl, gun owners from around the country take Utah’s gun safety class because the permit is good in 32 other states.

Grl, Origins of South Africa’s World Cup Found in Its Infamous Prison
By JERÉ LONGMAN
Grl, an inmates’ soccer league at Robben Island provided relief from monotony and a glimpse at what South Africa’s future could be.

Grl, Read this editorial: One Person, No Vote?
Grl, New York has a lot of work to do to explain the process of casting a ballot with new voting machines before the state’s primaries on Sept. 14.

Grl, read this Op-Ed: An Easy Call
It's by BOB HERBERT
Grl, Gov. David Paterson is being urged to veto a bill that would prevent the police from keeping personal data on people who are stopped but not ticketed or arrested. Instead, he should sign it, grl.

Grl, Global Migration: A World Ever More on the Move
By JASON DePARLE
Pick almost any headline in the news, and between the lines, there is a chapter in the story of global migration. Mmmhmm, grl.

Grl, Beyond McChrystal Lies a Bigger Tug of War
By MARK LANDLER, grl
Grl, when Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal spoke out, it sounded like the Departments of State and Defense were at each other’s throats. Hawt, no? But they can’t afford to be, grl.

H.A.M. of the Day

The fucking vuvuzela. Ugh. Ack. As if the human body were not imbued with enough orifices capable of noisy flatulence, here you come, lending yourself as a new vent through which sports fans could make their inner-obnoxiousness known.

How I wish you would die, you fucking hot ass mess.

Dispatches from Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM bracelet.

BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP

One White Person I Would Not Let Babysit My Child

C'mon, would you really trust a man who chooses to be called Dick? His name was originally Richard Bruce Cheney. At one point in his life, this man decided, "I'd rather be called Dick, not Richard."

And, Dick obviously has signed a pact with the Devil. Dick has had about 8,000 heart attacks, but still Dick is alive. I think they switched favors. The Devil allows Dick to remain alive so long as Dick causes havoc on earth.

Every time Dick has a heart attack, God and the Devil are fighting; God wants to get rid of Dick, and the devil wants to keep him here.

No, Dick, stay away from my kids. Armageddon is not the kind of game I want my kids to play.

Gaily News: The Daily News Translated for Gay People

Grl, Companies Find Ways to Bypass Ban on Earmarks
Brl, it's by ERIC LIPTON and RON NIXON

Grl, just one day after leaders of the House of Representatives announced a ban on earmarks to profit-making companies, Victoria Kurtz, the vice president for marketing of a small Ohio defense contracting firm, hit on a creative way around it.


Grl, A Soft Spot for Circuitry
Grl, it's by AMY HARMON

Grl, nothing Eileen Oldaker tried could calm her mother when she called from the nursing home, disoriented and distressed in what was likely the early stages of dementia. Grl, so Ms. Oldaker hung up, dialed the nurses’ station and begged them to get Paro.


Grl, Houston’s Clergy Unites to Urge Support for Immigration Reform
By JAMES C. McKINLEY Jr., grl.

Grl, the Rev. John W. Bowie knows it is hard to sell the people in his neighborhood on the idea that they should support changing immigration laws to give illegal immigrants a path to citizenship. Grl, his church lies in one of the oldest black settlements in the city, where unemployment is high and many people see immigrants as competitors for jobs.

Grl, Rougher Road for Democrats Without Obama Atop Ticket
Grl, it's by JEFF ZELENY

Grl, in a midterm election year, Democrats defending House districts they captured from Republicans are trying to recreate the Obama campaign machinery.


Grl, Appeals Court Sides With Detainee
By CHARLIE SAVAGE, grl.

Grl, a federal appeals court has sided with a Guantánamo prisoner whose case prompted a major internal argument among Obama administration legal advisers last year over how broadly to define terrorism suspects who may be detained without trial.


Grl, Biden Offers Diplomacy Amid Impasse in Iraq
By TIM ARANGO, grl.

Grl, Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr. landed here on Saturday evening for a visit that signaled a desire by the United States to step deeper into a four-month political stalemate that has become a backdrop to the reduction of American forces this summer.


Grl, The Right to Be Wrong

Grl, the Supreme Court has long held that newspapers and other publications have the right to be wrong, as long as they did not err deliberately or with negligence. Grl, as Justice Lewis F. Powell Jr. wrote in 1974, “the First Amendment requires that we protect some falsehood in order to protect speech that matters.” Grl, unfortunately, the court missed an opportunity to uphold that principle when it refused to take an important First Amendment case last week.

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public: Takes Pictures of Public Monuments

This one is hard for us, I know. But, please, minorities, if you don't want to end up in some secret prison in the middle of some desert somewhere, please stop taking pictures of public monuments.

If you do take pictures of public monuments, everybody knows that they are just going to think that you entered the country just to collect makeshift blueprint evidence in a scheme to overthrow the U.S.A. and capitalism.

Oh, wait. Apparently it may be illegal to imprison people in deserts. But what about Mars?

Yep. You know that they are starting plans to colonize Mars soon, and don't even think that they won't launch your ass a couple of orbits away from justice, let alone the desert, because they will. So, don't take pictures, because everybody knows that there are no laws in outerspace.

Don't do it. If you need a picture of the Statue of Liberty, just buy a postcard. Really. It's probably better quality than anything you can do. Let's be honest. You probably buy disposable cameras from the pharmacy whenever you go on vacation anyway, just like my family does, and everybody knows those don't work very well, don't we?

I suppose, minorities, that if you insist on taking pictures of public monuments, you could just learn how to photoshop. Hmmm. Wait. Does that sound as sketchy to you as it does to me?

Yep, new rule.

Minorities, do not take photoshop classes, because you will end up on an FBI list somewhere.

Welcome to America!

Gaily News: The Daily News Translated for Gay People

Grl, As Oil Industry Fights a Tax, It Reaps Billions From Subsidies
Grl, it's by DAVID KOCIENIEWSKI

Grl, Oil production is among the most heavily subsidized businesses, with tax breaks available at virtually every stage of the exploration and extraction process.


Grl, Nudge on Arms Further Divides the U.S. and Israel
Grl, it's by MARK LANDLER

Grl, The United States has urged Israel to sign the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty, yielding to demands by Arab nations.


Grl, Russian Mayor Irks Security Agency, and Suffers
Grl, it's by CLIFFORD J. LEVY

Grl, A mayor who filed a lawsuit over a resort owned by Russia’s security service was jailed and prosecuted.


Grl, Spirit Intact, a Soldier Reclaims His Life
Grl, it's by LIZETTE ALVAREZ

Grl, Brendan Marrocco lost his arms and legs to a bomb in Iraq. Grl, a year later, he is walking again and is an inspiration to hundreds of fellow veterans.

Grl, A Rougher Road for Democrats Without Obama Atop Ticket
Grl, it's by JEFF ZELENY

Grl, In a midterm election year, Democrats defending House districts they captured from Republicans are trying to recreate the Obama campaign machinery.


Grl, What Big Eyes You Have. Grl, Are Those Lenses Risky?
Grl, it's by CATHERINE SAINT LOUIS

Grl, Young women have been copying Lady Gaga’s wider-than-life eyes, but the contact lenses are contraband, and doctors are concerned.

One White Person I Would Not Let Babysit My Child

Carrot Top, don't you even think about calling me to offer up baby-sitting services. I can't even look at you! Let alone, interacting with you in real life. And don't even get me started on the shit I fear you would teach my kid. And, gasp, what if you affect my child's notions on beauty?! Imagine what kind of fucked-up shit my kid would drag home on that day it tells me who it wants to marry?

Hell no, Carrot Top, stay the fuck away from my kids.

H.A.M. of the Day

NEWS FLASH! - 'Angry bees swarm crowds at July 4th California fair'

Dumb ass bees. After disappearing on us and thereby threatening our existence, you come back in time to add insult to potentially life-on-earth-threatening injury by attacking us at our time-honored family tradition - our July 4th celebrations. Bees, you are such a fucking killjoy.

Go to hell. Fucking bees.

Gaily News: The Daily News Translated for Gay People

Grl, Recovery Slows With Weak Job Creation in June
By MICHAEL POWELL

With the economy slowing — housing sales plummeted, while earnings and hours worked ticked downward last month — the stakes grow larger, economically and politically.

Grl, War in Iraq Defies U.S. Timetable for End of Combat
By TIM ARANGO

Even after a reduction in troop numbers, American forces will still hunt terrorists after the August deadline that President Obama set for the end of the combat mission in Iraq.


Grl, In a Refuge Haunted by Katrina, BP Swirls In
By DAN BARRY

A former school that housed volunteers working to restore St. Bernard Parish after Hurricane Katrina will house workers helping to clean up the oil spill.

Grl, Illinois Stops Paying Its Bills, but Can’t Stop Digging Hole
By MICHAEL POWELL

Illinois’s borrow-and-spend mentality has led it to the brink, but still lawmakers opt not to cut budgets or raise taxes.

Grl, You Say God Is Dead? There’s an App for That
By PAUL VITELLO

A new wave of iPhone applications is giving both sides quick points to use in the debate over the existence of God.


Grl, International Program Catches On in U.S. Schools
By TAMAR LEWIN

The International Baccalaureate, an alternative to the Advanced Placement program, is offered in 700 schools.

H.A.M. of the Day

VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO

Katy Perry. You are one hawt ass mess. In the best way possible, I mean. The second technology nerds figure out a way to attach whip cream canisters to my nipples, AND manufacture it for H&M, AND it goes on sale, I will gleefully whip them puppies out at the club and spray every bitch up in there. It will be the happiest day of my life.

Dear reader, pay attention to the H.A.M. moment of the day which begins at around 3:17. This shit is the ishnit.

Dispatches from Lindsay Lohan's SCRAM bracelet.

Bzzzz. Bzzzz.

H.A.M. of the Day

Cristiano Ronaldo. What the fuck is wrong with you? You are a universal remote. You turn everyone on. Fuck, straight men would fuck you. Just try it. Watch what happens. You are, in a word, scrumptuous. Paris Hilton is...the crust that forms in the crevice of your jockstrap after a world cup game.

Cristiano Ronaldo, you are my hot ass mess of the day.

One White Person I Would Not Let Babysit My Child

Kathy Griffin. Apart from the fact that your touch is probably toxic thanks to all of the meds that you use to upkeep that skeletal dragesque visage and physique - for this reason alone I would not let you touch my children - I am afraid that were my child to spend time with you, it would pick up your jokes and then tell them. Your unfunny plague ends here.

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public: Nap

Minorites. Please, please, don't nap in public, because you know that everybody is just going to think that:

(a) You are sleeping.

(b) You don't have a job.

(c) You have a job, but are neglecting your responsibilities.

Get back to the office.

Please.

Gaily News - The daily news translated for gay people.

Grl, Economy Hurts Government Aid for H.I.V. Drugs
By KEVIN SACK
The government program that gives life-sustaining drugs to people with H.I.V. or AIDS who cannot afford them has seen its waiting list rise sharply.

Grl, U.S. Court Strikes Down Death Sentence for Killer of Two New York Officers
By MANNY FERNANDEZ and A. G. SULZBERGER
The United States Court of Appeals ruled that prosecutors were unfair to Ronell Wilson during his sentencing hearing.

Grl, Economies in Latin America Surge Forward
By SIMON ROMERO
With recovery fragile elsewhere, Latin America benefits from strong demand and past economic measures.

Grl, Banned Trailers Return for Latest Gulf Disaster
By IAN URBINA
Despite high levels of formaldehyde, some government trailers used after Hurricane Katrina are getting a second life with the Gulf of Mexico oil spill.

Grl, After Afghan Shift, Top U.S. Civilians Face Tricky Future
By MARK LANDLER
After Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal’s exit, the top two civilian officials in Afghanistan are confronted with an uncertain future under the gaze of an impatient president.

Grl, Top French Schools Are Pushed to Open Meritocracy
By STEVEN ERLANGER
France is seeking to diversify the elite universities that have produced French leaders in every walk of life.

Grl, For Negro Leagues Players, a Final Recognition
By ALAN SCHWARZ
The Negro Leagues Grave Marker Project has tracked down the unmarked graves of forgotten players.