One Wise Ass Latino: May 2011

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Baby Seals Are Meant for Eating

Baby seal, you are so fucking cute. I would like to flambe you, throw you on a skillet and eat you up until I feel that I have imbibed your cuteness which is so beyond human rationale that I want to hug you all the way into me. Now, get over here, you cute little schmoopy, woopy adorable cutieface!

Cock Block

4G, you fucking cock block.

How many times have I been in mid-conversation with a trick and I am just about to get their phone number and/or address and I've already started heading to their neighborhodd because they gave me general directions, and I press the little button to get the email to download when...I lose my 4G connection. No booty for me. You may as well just pop up out of a bush, impale my balls with a spear and bid me a good day.

By the time I get a 4G connection back up, the trick has lost interest.

So, 4G, fuck you, you fucking cock block. I hope you get 7 years of blueballs because of all the frustration you inspire.

Further, you don't even really exist, do you? You sold yourself to us without having built the infrastructure necessary to make yourself real. You are like a lothario with three wives. You are never enough, no matter where you are. Get your shit together, or else I will drop you for 3G, forever. Yeah, he's a bit slow, but damn it, he is reliable.

Fa.Bu.Lous!

New Beyonce Video Teaser

B. It's official. You are the baddest chic on the block. These shoes are MAJOR!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Everyday Heroes!

Jersey Man Says Screw It And Walks Home Through PATH Tunnel

Thursday, May 5, 2011

End of Times

Here at OWAL, we firmly believe that this is the human species' final year on earth. Everyday we bear witness to your exploits as we scour the internet for OWAL worthy items to comment on. Simply put, you are all much too much of a hot ass mess, individually and collectively. The jig is up. It is clear to us that you bitches will blow yourselves up if nature doesn't get rid of you first.

One need not search far to see the evidence. Birds falling out of the sky, bees disappering, freakish weather events and the rise of reality television. We've lost our moral and ethical compass. Nature is squeezing us out, like a ripe pimple, allowing us to fall off the proverbial cliff of existence because that is what is best for mother earth.

That said, this video is further evidence to back up the end-of-times OWAL claim. See here the great ancestors of a once mighty Aztec tribe. What you see them performing is a rain dance. But, obviously, these motherfuckers ain't doing it right. Notice the dry-ass parched land and trees in the background. The Aztec are dancing erratically, in patterns unknown, which is indicative of man's broken relationship to nature.

Once, these aztec demi-gods would perform rituals in commune with nature and insodoing beseech the gods to don onto them all the gifts of nature necessary to establish a mighty kingdom. Now, such dancing will lead to their imprisonment in immigration detention centers.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Indeed, birds falling out of the sky, bees disappearing, freakish weather patterns, the rise of reality tv, and aztec people forgetting their raindances. The evidence is clear. These are the end of times.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Hoodrats

Types of Bitches

Hoodrats often are up to no good. But more often, they impart unto us, with great generosity, cultural artifacts of pure inspired genius. This missive comes from a young 3rd grader in DC who, I am convinced, had a direct pipeline to God when creating this list. I am personally offended that God did not use me as his divinely inspired scribe. I think that one wise ass latino is the perfect channel to let the people know about all the different kinds of bitches in existence. But I dare not question God. God knows best. And for all of his gifts we are grateful. Side note: I keep my list right by my bible which is next to my bed in my drawer. I find inspiration from it everyday.

Do NOT attempt this at home.

There are many reasons why drag queens are better than you--I speak of the fierce ones, not the dregs drags who host bingo nights. Some of those reasons are:

1. They can wear a moth-eaten body suit seemingly made of socks and look better than you on your best day.
2. They can delight a crowd with a song hobbled together by two lyrics and a simple baseline using a keyboard.
3. Miss Honey! Miss HONEY. MISS honey. miss honey. Don't you hear me calling you, miss honey! miss HOney. Miss Honey.
4. By all accounts, this video is BUSTED!, however, it is still fieeeerrce!!!
5. She knew that I would not be long. She knew that I would be right back. Miss Honey!
6. They have back up dancers.
7. Neon wigs.
8. They can fuck you up.
9. They can eviscerate you in one sentence.
10.Miss Honey.

I Hate Hipsters

Aboard the L Train, Luncheon Is Served

I hate hipsters a great deal. Their self-assured awkwardness. Their will to be ugly. Their ironic romantic pairings. Their meta-art. Their bed bugs. The way they priced out countless disprivileged New Yorkers from their apartments, including my family. The way they can afford to look poor. And the way they smell.

But my hate has found a whole new height, and it has been made possible by the fact that they found a way to make me love them.

Yes, you heard it here, first. I love hipsters, if only for a moment. It is thanks to their bold-faced crack-addled fanciful tangents that we can have things like a pop-up restaurant on a train while in transit. You make this city great. Hands down, a coup d'etat.

But rest assured, hipster, my hate for you is greater than ever before. But just like a domestic violence victim, I sincerely don't know if I can quit you. Just when I think I can finally oft you, here you come, with your cutesy gestures. Ah, fuck it, bon appetit! Eat me.

Yokels Gone Wild

U.S.A. Chant on L Train to Bedford Fails Miserably

Commentary: Shit, they found a way into our subways!

Yokels Gone Wild

West Virginia Man Celebrates Osama Bin Laden Death With ATV, Gun and American Flag

Commentary: This is exactly what I see Bush doing everyday during his post-presidential life.

Baby Zebras are Made for Eating.

Commentary: So cute! I wanna eat it!

H.A.M. of the Day for May 4, 2011

George Bush Declines Barack Obama's Ground Zero Invite

Commentary: This bitch. Nobody wants to see you. You didn't decline any offer. Let's be real. Your presence was denied. You are a reminder of awfulness. You are a terrorist attack. The sight of you, even as you are saying goodbye, a welcome moment to be sure, may incite seizures in some and will lead most to curl up in a fetal position and sob. You suck. That you still matter to the media is a feat as confounding as the fact that Lindsay Lohan still makes headlines. Bush, you are one hot ass mess. Worst president ever!

WWMD

Michelle Obama Doing 'The Dougie' & 'The Running Man' Dances

Commentary: There is no end to my love for this woman. No end. Barack definitely got the better deal. If ever his ratings slip, all he should do is get Michelle to do something as cute and fierce as to execute a Beyonce dance number. So smart, so regal, so down. LOVER HURRRRRRRR! I'm gushing! :)

End of Times

Phoenix Man Attacked by 100,000 Bees

Commentary: Bitches, don't be fucking wondering why nature is conspiring to get rid of us. Open up any newspaper, or look through any facebook vacation pics album and just witness the whack ass shit we've done with the world. Wouldn't you want to get rid of us, we're like a particularly gross and ungrateful house guest. And bees attacking us, tornadoes up our snatch is just nature's way of saying, "It's time for your ass to get up on out of heah! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. PEACE! World peace, finally, that is."