H.A.M. of the Day for September 11, 2010

Jesus fucking christ. Parents! Caution! Do not let your children see this speech, unless you are willing to spend a shitload of money on therapy to stop your kid's night screams.

Republicans have seen the people's Howard Dean and raised us a Phil Davidson. Today's hot ass mess comes from Stark County, Ohio whose citizens were terrified by the treasurer candidate's teeth-grinding, bile-spitting, foamy-mouthed speech. He did not get the primary nomination. However, it was a performance that would make Mel Gibson proud. I kind of fell in love with you too... The way that you grabbed that podium... The way you screeched, as if into the void, boldly, fearlessly... You wanted answers. Yes, indeed, you did get a master's degree in communications. The world has a right to know. The way you stomped, around the podium and into the wings of the stage, teetering over the front row of a roomful of imaginary friends... I am sure you made the room shake, people scurried... Humanity has not seen manhood such as yours since the neolithic era. Growl! What a man!

And getting in good with Mel is just about as good as getting in with God. By your side is where I wanna be!

Oh, and, Congrats Mel, you were in need of a friend after all.

Phil, we hope that your knuckle-dragging descent from the podium is not the last we see of you. There is great potential for you...perhaps as a cautionary tale for would-be republican children.

You are the catalyst for change that America so desperately needs. And I, as your first wife, I can make it happen.

I strongly advise democratic candidates to simply play this speech on their stumping tours with a small introductory caveat: "This is a republican. Not on drugs. Vote for me because I will not eat your children."

Fear works.

And reader, if as I believe, you suffer from a critically small attention span, here is Dean to remind you of what once was: