H.A.M. of the Day for September 10, 2010

Awww, hell no!

First off, grl, you are nine.

It takes less than ten words to count out the amount of years you have spent on this earth. Watch:

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

You probably like counting too, don't you? It's kind of like when your teacher points to the ladybugs on the diagram and invites all the students to count along with her. Remember, that was just this morning for you? And you probably clapped at the end of the counting in this post didn't you? Yes, counting is fun. So why don't you go ahead and keep doing that?

What have you to say about life? Or even about whipping your hair back and forth? Society! Should we not reserve the stage for those who have something to say, and can say it with authority?

And Will, really, is your career hurting that bad? Do you really need to pimp out your children to hollywood? Are you not one of the most well-paid members of the star-elite? I mean, don't get me wrong, your son was in a well-reviewed albeit hackneyed rendition of the 80s classic Karate Kid and your daughter's single will probably enshrine her as the next gay pop diva, and I will probably dance amidst a dungeon full of writhing bare-barrel-chested men, tonight, whipping my head, back and forth, and a good number will probably suffer whip-lash, some will die from head bashing gone too far...

I digress. Yes, you kids may be sublimely entertaining, but do you really want them to become star children? Remember Drew Barrymore...Britney Spears...

And besides, your daughter may be single-handedly responsible for turning toddlers into little gaymos. I can see it now, gays turning in their little pussy-dogs for sassy diamond-encrusted 9 year old girls who they take to the clubs and walk in parks. The new status symbol. And to hurt each other they insult each other's 9-year-old. Totally harsh, no? Do you want your daughter to be responsible for that?

And don't get me started on the title! 'Whip my hair?' Really?

Will, do you know who whips their hair? Cue Jeopardy music....

Prostitutes! Especially when trying to land a john perched on the ledge of a rolled-down car window. Back and forth. Until the deal is sealed.

Perhaps that should be her follow up single: Until the deal is sealed.

Ha!

And do us all a favor Will, stop comparing her to Michael Jackson. It's not that it's too soon... It's just that:

(a) it's probably not true
(b) ok, i understated the case. I'ts not true.
(c) Michael was great but he was crazy!

Chris Rock once said that a father has but one sole responsibility to his daughter - Keep her off the pole! I could not agree more. If you keep letting her sing this crazy ass music, and if you keep encouraging her to be the second-coming of whack jobs, I will call Child Protective Services.

No longer will you depend on your children's income, but on your own lazy-eyed talents. Frightening, no? You better shape up, or I will strip your tree of all the fruit you have born. Will Smith, you are one hot ass mess.

Btw, do you know who else whips their hair? Yet another role model. See below.