H.A.M. of the Day for September 22, 2010

This cat needs to shut the fuck up.

Cat, obviously the other cat doesn't want you. Be a brave pussy and move on.

Do you understand, cat?

There's plenty of snatch in the batch worth the catch, in terms as distracting as a felt mouse at the end of a string.

What you need to do is scratch up the other cat's tires and spread the rumor that your ex-cat-lover has feline AIDS.

That way, he won't have a way to get to the vet for its shots and it will mostly likely go feral, and ain't no cat ever gonna give it any cat-loving ever again.

Cat, there is no use in making an ass out of yourself in public in an attempt to redeem a relationship that has obviously gone bust, with another cat who obviously does not care, a cat who would make you resort to crazy public antics at the cost of your self-respect. All of it. All the people of Walmart probably stood around and watched this sorry ass display. Didn't they? Are you proud of that? Huh? They filmed you with their discount camera.

Cat, you were once the inspiration of Egyptian kings and queens. Now you are just fodder for hackneyed artists designing for middle-America bungalows strewn with ceramic kitties and mugs with the phrase 'catitude,' horrific houses belonging to families who spend their time youtube-ing cat porn for entertainment.

Cat, a sorry ass cat-lover is the least of your troubles, you are one hot ass mess.

Fan Mail

Fan:

"One Wise Ass Latino, where do you get your sharp tongue? Whenever I try to sass someone, it always comes out flat? Do you write comedy or something?"

Me:

You dumb fuck, I get it from having to suffer through dumb ass questions like yours. The world is filled with idiots and idiocy, I seem to be the only one paying attention. I always say to my fellow latinos, if you are not one wise ass latino, then you sure as hell ain't paying attention.

Open your eyes, you sycophantic wretch, plenty of material to get upset about all around you. And don't just give it a passing glance, let the idiocy marinate into your core, grind it up against your marrow like salt on a wound, and if that shit don't make you wanna lash out with your tongue, then just sit the fuck down and leave it to a pro.

Hey reader, I have a question for you:

Can I have some other fans, please?

Riddle me that.

Gaily News for September 22, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Sometimes, I think, the Japanese are better than us.

grl, Move to End ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Stalls in Senate (Gay people! The Army is not a discotheque, says the Senate, Go Party elsewhere.)
By DAVID M. HERSZENHORN
The Senate voted not to proceed with debate of the annual authorization of military spending that included a provision allowing the repeal of the policy on gay soldiers.


Summers Move Lets Obama Alter Economic Team (grl, America is changing its economic portfolio, time to bring this economy to the next level, biatch!)
By SHERYL GAY STOLBERG
The departure of Lawrence H. Summers, the top White House economic adviser, allows President Obama to reshape his economics team after the midterm elections, when Republicans are expected to gain strength.

grl, An Egg Farmer and a History of Salmonella (grl, Don't be putting anyone's eggs in your mouth, you could catch something.)
By WILLIAM NEUMAN
Farms tied to one of the country’s biggest egg producers were a source of Salmonella enteritidis in the United States in the 1980s and again recently.

grl, Seeking Kashmir Peace, India Feels Anger of Residents (grl, Between all the strife up in the Middle East and in India, extremists are fucking up what could be awesome vacation spots.)
By JIM YARDLEY
After more than 100 days of deadly protests in Kashmir, India this week sent the equivalent of a peace delegation.

grl, Step Right Up for Pest Control at Bedbug Meeting (grl, What if someone you hook up with has bedbugs?!)
By MONICA DAVEY
More than 360 people, with quite a few inventors among them, gathered in Illinois for a conference about the pests.

grl, Stores Scramble to Accommodate Budget Shoppers (grl, I praise Jehovah everyday for discount stores, but I'd slay a bitch dead if they ever told anyone that my glasses ain't really Gucci.)
By STEPHANIE CLIFFORD
Dollar stores, embracing strategies they learned during the recession, have seen a spike in business.

I Apologize

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Fan Mail

So, I've decided to start posting some fan mail... :)

Take the missive titled, "huge fans. request.," from an adoring bitch ass below:

"I think your blog is hilarious and I always enjoy “reading” the meaning of the words. However, I never enjoy the process of actually reading your blog, because the background color to font ratio in the post frames are a complete serving of failsauce. To decipher the words I need to highlight the entire post - this is annoying. Further, I do not want to send your blog to my friends, lest their eyesight worsens from the strain and I get sued.


Take the GAILY NEWS, for instance: the links! So fantastic I can actually read them, the (what I assume is riveting) commentary on them however? Totally camouflaged like the rest of the page. Bitch Ass Minion and Bitch Ass Minion #2 agree with me. This is our request: all we are asking is a font color that is a few shades lighter or a background that is a few shades darker."

Apparently, my blog has made you feel bad about your illiteracy. ...And, this is my problem because...

Your dumb ass needs to call your local public education system and scream on them for teaching you nothing past how to clip coupons and how to give a handjob good enough to convince your local crack-slinger to accept your macaroni and cheese coupon for a discount on your crack. Guess what? You lose, in any situation. Because crack is whack.

Alright, Hellen Keller, you blind ass bitch, I will change the font color. Doesn't mean I will like it... Doesn't mean I will do it anytime soon...

Deal. With. It.

And fuck you to your minions too. I omitted their names, but trust, I will find your addresses.

Thanks for reading. Thankfully people have nothing to do with their lives other than read this fucking blog.

Lord help us all. Go read some real news.

This songs for you:

One White Person I Would Not Let Babysit My Children

Admittedly, this woman is amazing, and she would probably be someone that I would love to know, especially on a Monday morning, at the office, when retelling stories from the weekend over the water cooler. Oh, the places she would take my imagination. She is engaging, she uses sound effects, and she even says things like, "Cuz my daddy taught me good," which is a lie, at best, cuz she probably spawned out of a festering pustule on a frog's back.

Drag queens take note. Glamour-dram is not the only arresting form of performance for a lady-boy in a dress.

However so much I love her, she would scare the shit out of my children. Put a flashlight on the woman's chin and what you've got is a crypt-keeper.

This woman is not allowed to babysit my children because she would probably make them build a gingerbread house in which she would imprison them for the sole purpose of frightening them at will with her terrifying stories, and to have a place to store her flying brooms.

My children are not little Mexicans. If you have them build you a house, you will pay them fair wages!

Lady, you are done. The neighborhood watch has been alerted.

See you Monday.

H.A.M. of the Day for September 11, 2010

Jesus fucking christ. Parents! Caution! Do not let your children see this speech, unless you are willing to spend a shitload of money on therapy to stop your kid's night screams.

Republicans have seen the people's Howard Dean and raised us a Phil Davidson. Today's hot ass mess comes from Stark County, Ohio whose citizens were terrified by the treasurer candidate's teeth-grinding, bile-spitting, foamy-mouthed speech. He did not get the primary nomination. However, it was a performance that would make Mel Gibson proud. I kind of fell in love with you too... The way that you grabbed that podium... The way you screeched, as if into the void, boldly, fearlessly... You wanted answers. Yes, indeed, you did get a master's degree in communications. The world has a right to know. The way you stomped, around the podium and into the wings of the stage, teetering over the front row of a roomful of imaginary friends... I am sure you made the room shake, people scurried... Humanity has not seen manhood such as yours since the neolithic era. Growl! What a man!

And getting in good with Mel is just about as good as getting in with God. By your side is where I wanna be!

Oh, and, Congrats Mel, you were in need of a friend after all.

Phil, we hope that your knuckle-dragging descent from the podium is not the last we see of you. There is great potential for you...perhaps as a cautionary tale for would-be republican children.

You are the catalyst for change that America so desperately needs. And I, as your first wife, I can make it happen.

I strongly advise democratic candidates to simply play this speech on their stumping tours with a small introductory caveat: "This is a republican. Not on drugs. Vote for me because I will not eat your children."

Fear works.

And reader, if as I believe, you suffer from a critically small attention span, here is Dean to remind you of what once was:

Gaily News for September 11, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Grl, Welcome back Lindsay! Is she finally getting it together?

grl, Vacancies Strain White House’s Goals for Economy (grl, Obama needs someone to fill his vacancies.)
By SEWELL CHAN
A half-dozen appointed posts with vast powers over the economy remain unfilled even as President Obama signaled that he was close to choosing a director for a new consumer bureau.

grl, Inquiry Sifting Cause of Blast in the Bay Area (grl, The search is on to find who passed gas over San Bruno, CA.)
By ADAM NAGOURNEY and MALIA WOLLAN
For weeks before the explosion, residents of San Bruno, Calif., reported catching a whiff of natural gas in the bay breezes.

grl, 2 Sides on Charter Schools Add Cash to New York Races (grl, There is a custody battle between public and charter schools.)
By JAVIER C. HERNANDEZ
Both sides on the charter school debate have waded into state primary races, turning contests into furious battles.

grl, Health Care Weighs Heavy in Ohio Race (grl, Fat ass Ohio is weighing heavy on health care. Go figure.)
By KEVIN SACK
A reversal on his health care vote has emerged as a major issue in Representative John Boccieri’s campaign.

grl, German Identity, Long Dormant, Reasserts Itself (grl, Germany is on the rise again. Is anybody else worried?)
By NICHOLAS KULISH
A more confident nation has asserted itself in foreign policy, despite economic troubles and some internal dissent.

grl, Obama Tries to Calm Religious Tensions (grl, Obama is trying to use his big ruler to calm the world's biggest schoolyard fight.)
By HELENE COOPER
President Obama gave a call for better relations between Muslims and non-Muslims at home and abroad, defending the “inalienable rights” of those who worship Islam.

grl, City Disavows Pastor’s Talk of Burning Koran (grl, It's Burning Man with Korans up in here.)
By DAMIEN CAVE
Residents in Gainesville, Fla., are taking pastor Terry Jones’s actions personally, as one of their neighbors drags their hometown into infamy.

Alejandro Amnesty NOW!

The latest hot latino man that I recommend for the Alejandro Amnesty program is Cristiano Ronaldo.

Cristiano Ronaldo must be granted citizenship immediately for he is the only man on earth who could turn Florida - America's large flaccid penis - erect.

America, what are we waiting for? Grant Cristiano citizenship NOW and remember what it feels to be a man again.



SCHWING!!!

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public

Minorities, if you are a governor of a state, and you are signing off on legislation that would protect students from being bullied in schools, please, for the love of all things diplomatic, do not admit that you beat the shit out of a kid when you were in elementary school.

This is especially true if no one likes your ass, resents that you are head of state, and you only got the job because the guy to whom you were second-in-command did some shit that was so fucking crazy his ass was forced to resign.

And, you admitted to cheating on your wife, you used to do drugs, and you are under an ethics investigation and one of your closest aids is charged with beating a woman.

And you are blind.

Mi-No-Ri-Tee! Please.

How did you even get near to this job, let alone actually get this job? Affirmative action, what have you done?

Minorities, if you get a job as a governor, please be like Obama, be squeaky clean and don't say dumb shit. If you do not take this advice, you will forever be known as the first and last governor of color in your state.

Do not fuck this up for the rest of us.

Thank you.

New Column! - Crack is One Hell of a Drug!

This just in..

So, apparently, crackheads, seeking new highs, are throwing themselves against the 625-volt-strong third rail of the NYC metro transit system.

Great.

Like I need another fucking thing delaying me on the subway.

We should be up in arms before a rash of crazy ass crackheads start delaying our commutes even further.

These bitches are so hell-bent on getting high, they don't give a fuck that I need to be at the club at specific time or else I will have to pay the $10 cover.

Fuck you crackhead. Get the fuck out my way.

If you are a crackhead and you are reading this, try jumping off a bridge, please. It will get you high, and will probably kill you, probably not, but still, try it, cuz then you will not endanger my commute, especially if there are fewer and fewer of you with each passing day.

But seriously, we need to help these crackheads deal with these addictions. Lord knows what else they will do to fuck up our already crack-addled society. Who knows, pretty soon, they may jump off of buildings threatening unknowing perambulators city-wide.

But you don't give a fuck do you, crackhead? Nope.

Question: How come crackheads can do life-threatening shit that would kill the rest of us and still survive?

You would peel yourself right off of the bloodied carcass you murdered, smiling or strung-out, and zombie-march to the corner hoping the crack-slinger will accept the blood-soaked $20 you just slipped from your latest victim's wallet...

Detestable wretch.

Beware nascent crackheads. The 625-volt jolt may be fun, but you will end up looking crazy as fuck.

Plus, your front cover pic on the New York Post does not make for a hawt facebook profile pic.

And you will end up on my blog.

I tell you people, crack is one hell of a drug, ain't it crackhead?

H.A.M. of the Day for September 10, 2010

Awww, hell no!

First off, grl, you are nine.

It takes less than ten words to count out the amount of years you have spent on this earth. Watch:

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

You probably like counting too, don't you? It's kind of like when your teacher points to the ladybugs on the diagram and invites all the students to count along with her. Remember, that was just this morning for you? And you probably clapped at the end of the counting in this post didn't you? Yes, counting is fun. So why don't you go ahead and keep doing that?

What have you to say about life? Or even about whipping your hair back and forth? Society! Should we not reserve the stage for those who have something to say, and can say it with authority?

And Will, really, is your career hurting that bad? Do you really need to pimp out your children to hollywood? Are you not one of the most well-paid members of the star-elite? I mean, don't get me wrong, your son was in a well-reviewed albeit hackneyed rendition of the 80s classic Karate Kid and your daughter's single will probably enshrine her as the next gay pop diva, and I will probably dance amidst a dungeon full of writhing bare-barrel-chested men, tonight, whipping my head, back and forth, and a good number will probably suffer whip-lash, some will die from head bashing gone too far...

I digress. Yes, you kids may be sublimely entertaining, but do you really want them to become star children? Remember Drew Barrymore...Britney Spears...

And besides, your daughter may be single-handedly responsible for turning toddlers into little gaymos. I can see it now, gays turning in their little pussy-dogs for sassy diamond-encrusted 9 year old girls who they take to the clubs and walk in parks. The new status symbol. And to hurt each other they insult each other's 9-year-old. Totally harsh, no? Do you want your daughter to be responsible for that?

And don't get me started on the title! 'Whip my hair?' Really?

Will, do you know who whips their hair? Cue Jeopardy music....

Prostitutes! Especially when trying to land a john perched on the ledge of a rolled-down car window. Back and forth. Until the deal is sealed.

Perhaps that should be her follow up single: Until the deal is sealed.

Ha!

And do us all a favor Will, stop comparing her to Michael Jackson. It's not that it's too soon... It's just that:

(a) it's probably not true
(b) ok, i understated the case. I'ts not true.
(c) Michael was great but he was crazy!

Chris Rock once said that a father has but one sole responsibility to his daughter - Keep her off the pole! I could not agree more. If you keep letting her sing this crazy ass music, and if you keep encouraging her to be the second-coming of whack jobs, I will call Child Protective Services.

No longer will you depend on your children's income, but on your own lazy-eyed talents. Frightening, no? You better shape up, or I will strip your tree of all the fruit you have born. Will Smith, you are one hot ass mess.

Btw, do you know who else whips their hair? Yet another role model. See below.

Gaily News for September 10, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Extra! Extra! Gaytard learns how to use a camera. Scientists surprised by its ability to speak. Linguists dismayed by its bastardization of the English language. Are gaytard rights the next wave? Gaytards, coming to a cubicle near you!

grl, U.S. Urges Iraqis to Try New Plan to Share Power (grl,I love power play.)
By MICHAEL R. GORDON and ANTHONY SHADID
The Obama administration is pushing a power-sharing arrangement in Iraq that could retain Nuri Kamal al-Maliki as prime minister but curb his authority.

grl, Secret Tape Has Police Pressing Ticket Quotas (grl, You know I love me some secrets. Come sit by me if you got something to say, and if you talking shit, sit even closer. Haaaay! hhaha)
By AL BAKER and RAY RIVERA
On the tape, a Brooklyn precinct’s commanders are heard demanding officers write a certain number of summonses.


grl, Budget Woes Hit Defense Lawyers for the Indigent (grl, Indigent? What is that? Is this the SATs or something? Fuck. Wait, doesn't that mean 'hoodrat' or something? Anyway, what they complaining about now?)
By MONICA DAVEY
Public defenders in Missouri say the budget is interfering with their ability to provide poor defendants with their right to a lawyer.


grl, Judge Rules That Military Policy Violates Rights of Gays (grl, I'm about to violate a gay in honor this good news! Haaaaaay!)
By JOHN SCHWARTZ
While the policy, known as “don’t ask, don’t tell,” will not change right away, the ruling reflects others taking aim at discrimination against homosexuals.

grl, Visiting Ground Zero, Asking Allah for Comfort (grl, I'd rather a real man comfort me, not some spirit called Allah, I need to feel a man, not feel a man, you know what I'm sayin'?)
By SAM DOLNICK
Hadidjatou Karamoko Traoré is a 9/11 widow who has had to balance an overnight job, three children and her Muslim faith.

grl, A Rock Impresario Gambles on ‘Spider-Man’ (grl, I don't like my Spider-Man to prance and sing, I want him shooting spider spooge, climbing buildings and kissing me to shambles as he hangs upside down from the fire escape of a tenament. Mmmmmmm. So, thumbs down to this show. Basically.)
By PATRICK HEALY
Michael Cohl, the lead producer of the musical, is taking a risk on the most expensive show in Broadway history.

grl, Coverage of Koran Case Stirs Questions on Media Role (grl, Burning books is not cute. How else is a bitch supposed to educate herself. I suck my teeth at these ignorant philistines.)
By BRIAN STELTER
Terry Jones put himself at the center of a controversy by using the news lull of summer and a 24-hour news cycle to promote his anti-Islam cause.


grl, Pentagon Plan: Buying Books to Keep Secrets (grl, Don't they know that you can find all this stuff on blogs? Gawd, old people just don't get it. It's called technology, Luddites.)
By SCOTT SHANE
Officials are attempting to buy and destroy copies of an Afghan war memoir they say holds intelligence secrets.

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public

Minorities, please do not take people hostage.

Minority readers, there is a pain in my heart today. And I know you have it too.

And I know when it started. It began when you found out that the person holding the employee's of the Discovery channel hostage in Silver Springs was a minority.

I have been tracking this story since it began earlier today, and waited with bated breath to learn the identity of the whack-job who is upset with Discovery for not producing his idea of earth-friendly game shows that teach people to respect nature and to fight for preservation. Among other things.

Like his belief that the Discovery channel is leading people to wasteful earth-trampling behavior...

I mean, really? W to TF! What else can the Discovery channel be accused of other than educating the ignorant masses? I mean, guy, do you just hate to learn?

And you are Asian. You are supposed to be the fucking model-minority! You are supposed to love learning!

Not only are you doing a bad thing for the reputation of minorities but you are also bringing Asians down, and that's a hard thing, I mean, fucking institutions of higher education have quotas to keep you bitches out because you are so damn high-achieving!

Take the racist-honor and run with it. As an Asian, your best plan of action would be to get a PhD/MBA, get control of the fucking company and run it your way. Then you can have all the fucking crazy ass Asian-themed games shows your little heart desires.

I mean, what is it with you Asians and your fucking fucked-up game shows anyway. That shit does not work over here and we are glad for it:



Bang away. Because we are not.

How this shit is supposed to inspire me to save the planet is beyond me.

Minorities, please do not hold anybody hostage. But if you do, please let it be worth the damage you have done to our reputation as a whole. Like, getting Ricky Martin to admit that even he knew that no one in the world was surprised or fooled by this coming out. Now, if you can get that bitch to admit that...only then would I say that it is OK to take someone hostage, then I'd say sorry, and then I'd shut up.

Minorities, if you take a people hostage, you know that THEY are just gonna keep screening us at airport lines and pretty soon, even at Wal-Mart, and nobody wants to be held up from devouring their economy sized chicharones while sitting in their new Jesus-emblazoned plastic lawn chair and watching the finale of Perro Amor in the privacy of their own home.

Stop it now.

New Column! - Point & Laugh

When you see a girl watching 'Saved By The Bell' while running on a treadmill at the gym, and she is laughing, but she has no head phones on, please walk up to her, point & laugh.

When you find this foolio...



..call him a bitch-ass, then point and laugh. That's what he gets for trying to reap havoc on a check cashing place with an air rifle, and then aimed fire on the good police of Phoenix Arizona who sought to cease the tomfoolery. He don't even know that you are not supposed to cry in a mugshot. He may as well wear prison fatigues that read, Anal Rape Now, with a repeating pattern of cartoon animal print.

When someone you know burns an Eggo, grab the maple syrup, point it at their face, and laugh.

If your facebook friend posts a naked, ball-dangling picture of himself, unfriend that bitch, send them an anonymous letter with pop-up finger and accompanied automated laughter triggered by the opening of the letter.

If you have an kosher-observant Jewish friend, and they have pissed you off, invite them to your home, pour them a glass of tap water. After the night is over, and they are home, post a facebook album with two pictures: one of your friend drinking the water, and another of this crustacean:



The note under the picture should read:

"These copepods (not-kosher) are added to NYC water to eat mosquito larvae, keeping water sources clear."

Wait for the phone call, answer the call by pointing at the receiver and laughing.

Hang up. Get smug and comfortable.

New Column! - Alejandro Amnesty NOW!

The purpose of this column is to recommend to U.S. immigration hot ass Latino men to whom they should extend citizenship immediately. Beautiful Latino men are a terrible thing to waste. Or detain, or deport, for that matter.

We need to deal with this serious problem of immigration reform now!

Alright first up, Spain's 2010 World Cup Soccer Team. I don't know these guys names, and nor do you. And you probably don't remember any of them, individually. But we do remember them collectively. They were heads above any other team on the planet in terms of hotness.

U.S. Immigration, you can not deny the American public this hotness. We are supposed to be colonizers. We are supposed to espy the best of the world and take it! In this vein, I think that it is an unforgivably egregious mistake to have not granted citizenship to this team yet.

America can not wait any longer while you sit on your thumbs. We want immigration reform today! Alejandro Amnesty NOW!

To see more pictures.

H.A.M. of the Day for September 1, 2010

Gay Housewives trailer is out. See below to find out why we should put it back in the closet.

This trailer would cause a gay guy to relinquish cock and take that fatal apocalyptic vaginal plummet into hetero-normativity. Ghastly, no?

By the end of this post, I hope to give every subset of gay reflected in this advert a new hole to play with.

If straight people are worried that the exposure of gay people would lead to higher rates of gayness, well then, I ask that you consider this television show, whose side effects include: explosive diarrhea, overly-ornate dressing, tacky-ass accessorizing, bulimia, anorexia, massive defense mechanisms like a hyper-inflated ego to deal with the fact that you are in actual fact a hideous person, both inside and out, so much money as a result of your membership in the gay mafia, the gay A-list, that you will unattentively murder countless people with a dismissive glance, a VIP list, with the use of subtle and blithely, racist and bougie, presumptive clauses in conversation.

This gay drug is not for those seeking highs. It is for all of you who hate gays and are looking for confirmation that gays are indeed selfish, superficial, money-obsessed, racist, nymphomaniacs who are clueless about the real matters in life.

Gay people, are we all auditioning to star in The Hills?

Was there a memo?

Gay housewives is like an overly-lubed freshly-fisted chunnel (chocolate tunnel).

Sloppy, not pleasing and horrifying to look at.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get this cock out of my mouth! Give me pussy, or give me death.

Reasons to Abort #4

Refugee Fetus Lobs Puppies Into River

The FBI should really become better at finding refugee fetuses.

This one apparently escaped to Bosnia where she has lived in hiding for many years, and has since, I assume, rampantly puppy-napped freshly-born litters for the maniacal purpose of lobbing them into a river.

What a sick little bitch.

This fetus probably flushed herself to Bosnia once she learned that the FBI was after her.

People, if you have the slightest inkling that your child will become a murderous puppy-launcher, abort!

Everybody knows that puppies are cuter than babies, especially babies who become fuck-ups.

Fetus, listen up. Out you go! OUT! And take the bath water with you.

Puppy, you stay. STAY! Awwwww, so cute.

Gaily News for September 1, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

grl, Entire Cast of Jersey Shore Sued (grl, Would you kick a retarded person right after they won a medal at the special olympics? No! Leave the cast of Jersey Shore alone. ...Unless, you are also retarded, well then, you are evenly matched, so go for it. Besides, everybody loves to watch retards fighting. Jersey Shore as evidence.)

grl, Obama Says Iraq Combat Mission Is Over (grl, Does anybody else curl up to this man's speeches and pretend that he is your husband, taking charge, running things...?)
By HELENE COOPER and SHERYL GAY STOLBERG
In his second address from the Oval Office, President Obama reminded America that, in giving Iraqis responsibility for their own security, he was fulfilling a campaign promise.

grl, Trapped Chilean Miners Forge Refuge (grl, Oh yeah, they're still down there.)
By ALEXEI BARRIONUEVO
Thirty-three miners deep underground will play a critical role in their rescue, making their organization and leadership essential, officials said.


grl, Afghan Government Moves to Bolster Leading Bank (grl, Show me one honest bank, and I will show you my left nut.)
By DEXTER FILKINS
A sudden intervention to shore up the deeply troubled Kabul Bank prompted fears about the integrity of the Afghan financial system.

grl,Formula to Grade Teachers’ Skill Gains in Use, and Critics (grl, Why they spending so much time trying to fix schools in all these nerdy ass ways? Just hire hot teachers. Trust that the students will do anything to excel under those circumstances.)
By SAM DILLON
Many school districts have adopted a system called value-added modeling to evaluate teachers, provoking battles from Washington to Los Angeles.

grl, TV News for Early Risers (or Late-to-Bedders) (grl, The news is the last think I want to turn on late at night! Or early in the morning. Haaaaay!)
By BRIAN STELTER
The new battleground for stations is the morning, with news broadcasts going on air at 4:30 a.m. or earlier.

grl, In Wisconsin, an Incumbent Holds Tight (grl, No, we simply can not let the republicans in power. They are so boorrring. Every time they are in charge it feels like church on an early Sunday morning. Inconvenient and preachy.)
By JEFF ZELENY
Senator Russ Feingold’s unexpectedly tight race suggests that Republicans have a better opportunity to win back the Senate than they had imagined.

grl, Paladino Rides on Anger in G.O.P. Governor Race (grl, Riding angry is never a good idea. Things could break.)
By JAVIER C. HERNANDEZ
Carl P. Paladino is connecting with voters’ anger and worrying Rick A. Lazio’s supporters.