I Hate Hipsters

So, remember how I fell in love with hipsters for a quick moment? Remember, how they served a fancy meal on a subway? Genius!

But then they do some shit such as what you may bear witness to by pressing the play button on the video above. Ugh.

White people have way too much free fucking time. Shiiiiiiit.

H.A.M. of the Day for June 7, 2011

Weiner's dick. You are one hot ass mess. Too many civilization's have been felled because of the undue influence of a patriarch's cock. Caligula, anyone? You'd think that with all the education that your keeper has received that you would have learned this lesson by now. The voting public prefers a bit of mystery as to the Oz in charge of their leaders. The second we unveil the cloak and see who the grand puppeteer is, we lose interest. Just like a date, there is only time for one quick fuck once you've unveiled and then it's time to sleep. Anthony, you are not gonna be my president, and its all thanks to your immature cock who all too quickly answered our question like a premature ejaculator: how big is your weiner. Not enough, apparently. Next.

Baby Seals Are Meant for Eating

Baby seal, you are so fucking cute. I would like to flambe you, throw you on a skillet and eat you up until I feel that I have imbibed your cuteness which is so beyond human rationale that I want to hug you all the way into me. Now, get over here, you cute little schmoopy, woopy adorable cutieface!

Cock Block

4G, you fucking cock block.

How many times have I been in mid-conversation with a trick and I am just about to get their phone number and/or address and I've already started heading to their neighborhodd because they gave me general directions, and I press the little button to get the email to download when...I lose my 4G connection. No booty for me. You may as well just pop up out of a bush, impale my balls with a spear and bid me a good day.

By the time I get a 4G connection back up, the trick has lost interest.

So, 4G, fuck you, you fucking cock block. I hope you get 7 years of blueballs because of all the frustration you inspire.

Further, you don't even really exist, do you? You sold yourself to us without having built the infrastructure necessary to make yourself real. You are like a lothario with three wives. You are never enough, no matter where you are. Get your shit together, or else I will drop you for 3G, forever. Yeah, he's a bit slow, but damn it, he is reliable.

Fa.Bu.Lous!

New Beyonce Video Teaser

B. It's official. You are the baddest chic on the block. These shoes are MAJOR!

Everyday Heroes!

Jersey Man Says Screw It And Walks Home Through PATH Tunnel

End of Times

Here at OWAL, we firmly believe that this is the human species' final year on earth. Everyday we bear witness to your exploits as we scour the internet for OWAL worthy items to comment on. Simply put, you are all much too much of a hot ass mess, individually and collectively. The jig is up. It is clear to us that you bitches will blow yourselves up if nature doesn't get rid of you first.

One need not search far to see the evidence. Birds falling out of the sky, bees disappering, freakish weather events and the rise of reality television. We've lost our moral and ethical compass. Nature is squeezing us out, like a ripe pimple, allowing us to fall off the proverbial cliff of existence because that is what is best for mother earth.

That said, this video is further evidence to back up the end-of-times OWAL claim. See here the great ancestors of a once mighty Aztec tribe. What you see them performing is a rain dance. But, obviously, these motherfuckers ain't doing it right. Notice the dry-ass parched land and trees in the background. The Aztec are dancing erratically, in patterns unknown, which is indicative of man's broken relationship to nature.

Once, these aztec demi-gods would perform rituals in commune with nature and insodoing beseech the gods to don onto them all the gifts of nature necessary to establish a mighty kingdom. Now, such dancing will lead to their imprisonment in immigration detention centers.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Indeed, birds falling out of the sky, bees disappearing, freakish weather patterns, the rise of reality tv, and aztec people forgetting their raindances. The evidence is clear. These are the end of times.

Hoodrats

Types of Bitches

Hoodrats often are up to no good. But more often, they impart unto us, with great generosity, cultural artifacts of pure inspired genius. This missive comes from a young 3rd grader in DC who, I am convinced, had a direct pipeline to God when creating this list. I am personally offended that God did not use me as his divinely inspired scribe. I think that one wise ass latino is the perfect channel to let the people know about all the different kinds of bitches in existence. But I dare not question God. God knows best. And for all of his gifts we are grateful. Side note: I keep my list right by my bible which is next to my bed in my drawer. I find inspiration from it everyday.

Do NOT attempt this at home.

There are many reasons why drag queens are better than you--I speak of the fierce ones, not the dregs drags who host bingo nights. Some of those reasons are:

1. They can wear a moth-eaten body suit seemingly made of socks and look better than you on your best day.
2. They can delight a crowd with a song hobbled together by two lyrics and a simple baseline using a keyboard.
3. Miss Honey! Miss HONEY. MISS honey. miss honey. Don't you hear me calling you, miss honey! miss HOney. Miss Honey.
4. By all accounts, this video is BUSTED!, however, it is still fieeeerrce!!!
5. She knew that I would not be long. She knew that I would be right back. Miss Honey!
6. They have back up dancers.
7. Neon wigs.
8. They can fuck you up.
9. They can eviscerate you in one sentence.
10.Miss Honey.

I Hate Hipsters

Aboard the L Train, Luncheon Is Served

I hate hipsters a great deal. Their self-assured awkwardness. Their will to be ugly. Their ironic romantic pairings. Their meta-art. Their bed bugs. The way they priced out countless disprivileged New Yorkers from their apartments, including my family. The way they can afford to look poor. And the way they smell.

But my hate has found a whole new height, and it has been made possible by the fact that they found a way to make me love them.

Yes, you heard it here, first. I love hipsters, if only for a moment. It is thanks to their bold-faced crack-addled fanciful tangents that we can have things like a pop-up restaurant on a train while in transit. You make this city great. Hands down, a coup d'etat.

But rest assured, hipster, my hate for you is greater than ever before. But just like a domestic violence victim, I sincerely don't know if I can quit you. Just when I think I can finally oft you, here you come, with your cutesy gestures. Ah, fuck it, bon appetit! Eat me.

Yokels Gone Wild

U.S.A. Chant on L Train to Bedford Fails Miserably

Commentary: Shit, they found a way into our subways!

Yokels Gone Wild

West Virginia Man Celebrates Osama Bin Laden Death With ATV, Gun and American Flag

Commentary: This is exactly what I see Bush doing everyday during his post-presidential life.

Baby Zebras are Made for Eating.

Commentary: So cute! I wanna eat it!

H.A.M. of the Day for May 4, 2011

George Bush Declines Barack Obama's Ground Zero Invite

Commentary: This bitch. Nobody wants to see you. You didn't decline any offer. Let's be real. Your presence was denied. You are a reminder of awfulness. You are a terrorist attack. The sight of you, even as you are saying goodbye, a welcome moment to be sure, may incite seizures in some and will lead most to curl up in a fetal position and sob. You suck. That you still matter to the media is a feat as confounding as the fact that Lindsay Lohan still makes headlines. Bush, you are one hot ass mess. Worst president ever!

WWMD

Michelle Obama Doing 'The Dougie' & 'The Running Man' Dances

Commentary: There is no end to my love for this woman. No end. Barack definitely got the better deal. If ever his ratings slip, all he should do is get Michelle to do something as cute and fierce as to execute a Beyonce dance number. So smart, so regal, so down. LOVER HURRRRRRRR! I'm gushing! :)

End of Times

Phoenix Man Attacked by 100,000 Bees

Commentary: Bitches, don't be fucking wondering why nature is conspiring to get rid of us. Open up any newspaper, or look through any facebook vacation pics album and just witness the whack ass shit we've done with the world. Wouldn't you want to get rid of us, we're like a particularly gross and ungrateful house guest. And bees attacking us, tornadoes up our snatch is just nature's way of saying, "It's time for your ass to get up on out of heah! Don't let the door hit you on the way out. PEACE! World peace, finally, that is."

Fuck Yeah!

Viagra Condom Nears Approval

Crack is One Hell of a Drug.

Naked Bronx Man Crouched In A Spider Position Slapping The Street In Front Of NYPD Van (NSFW)

Comment: This guy obvs fell out of a time warp from a time when he was mid-fight with a mastadon.

Pay Per Hipster

HBO ISO Hipsters For How To Make It In America

Must we really make a tv show out of every loathsome sect of our society?

Two Tornadoes Don't Make a Right

Charlie Sheen Visits Alabama to Help With Tornado Relief. For Real.

Self-Righteous White Folk

Cabbie Really Doesn’t Want to Go to Brooklyn

Money Don't Buy You Class

See All the Looks From the 2011 Costume Institute Gala Red Carpet

Daaasssit! 4

Daaasssit! 3

Daaasssit! 2

Daaasssit! 1

All About It

Intactivism is the belief in the right of baby boys to keep their foreskins intact, and there's a movement to legally ban circumcision. After introducing legislation last year, a San Francisco-based group of intactivists opposing male circumcision has collected enough signatures for a ballot initiative next November on whether to bar the practice in the city.

*ssholes

More details have been revealed about the motivations behind the Latin King Goonies anti-gay attack last fall. Nine members of the gang were arrested last year for allegedly torturing three gay men (and injuring another man) because of their sexual orientation. It seems that before the attack, the gang members tried to extort protection money from one of their victims—and when he wasn't able to pay up, they sodomized him with a miniature baseball bat.

Brave New World

Three tiny orbiters roughly the size of saltines will be released by the shuttle, Space.com reports.

Douchebags

More than half of those thousands of precious parking permits in the city are either legal permits used illegally or simply illegitimate permits in the first place. And nearly one in four official parking permits are "illicitly photocopied, fraudulent or otherwise invalid.

Everyday Heroes!

Bronx Man Wards Off Knife-Wielding Robbers With Single Apple

A Hooker's Guide to NYC

The brains behind the New York City biking blog Astoria Bike put together the most servicey thing we've seen in a long time -- a subway map exclusively for the late night schedule.

Crackheads

1 out of every 4 adults diagnosed with ADHD was probably faking it.

Hoodrats

8-Year-Old Sells Loaded Gun for $3 at Queens School

Touch Me Baby, Drive Me Crazy

Kittens are for Eating

I Don't Give a F*ck

“Miss Middleton wished for her dress to combine tradition and modernity with the artistic vision that characterizes Alexander McQueen’s work.”

Douchebag

"Harry Truman probably is the greatest president to my mind of the post-World War II era — and that includes them all, even my great hero, Ronald Reagan."

The New Ish.

Douchebag

Pearce and his friends, police say, were harassing the mother duck and her ducklings, who had posted up under a bush outside the fast food restaurant. After employees yelled at them (the humans) to leave the ducks alone, Peace and company went through the drive-thru and parked in an adjacent lot. They then returned, and ran over the flock, resulting in the death of four ducklings.

SQUIRT!

The new Harry Potter trailer is out!

Everyday Heroes!

Harlan Porter, a 31-year-old teacher at B.C. Haynie Elementary School in Georgia, was discovered by another teacher walking through the school completely naked at 3:20 p.m. on Friday. Porter had recently learned that his contract wouldn't be renewed. The arresting officer wrote in the incident report that Porter spoke of a "new level of enlightenment" and said "he wanted everybody to be free now that his third eye was open." "I then explained the obvious problem with his third eye being opened in public," the officer wrote. "He readily agreed that his decision to remove his clothing posed a problem and stated that he understood why I would likely have to place him under arrest."

Douchebag

In her upcoming appearance on Ellen, Lady Gaga addresses that clip from her HBO special in which she tearfully admits in a makeup chair that she "sometimes [feels] like a loser kid in high school." "In that moment I was very excited and nervous. That was a huge, benchmark moment in my life. I'm 25 years old. I was asked to play Madison Square Garden, sold out five nights. Quite frankly it's very overwhelming. Do I feel like a loser sometimes? Yes. We all feel like losers sometimes."

Douchebag

Alex Pettyfer's crotch tattoo says thank you, "in case I forget to say it."

Put It In Me

STFU Donald Trump!

Over the past week, when not busy claiming that President Obama was born abroad/being proven wrong about Obama being born abroad, Donald Trump has made headlines by mocking the success of Jerry Seinfeld's Marriage Ref and questioning the mental capabilities of Robert De Niro.

Warning: Stop F*cking Armadillos

When was the last time you've thought of an armadillo? A long time ago, most likely. You may have even forgotten that they exist. But they're definitely still out there. And they're giving everyone leprosy.

NRA Lovetaps

Two hundred and forty-seven people on the federal government's terrorism watch list purchased guns in 2010, and it was perfectly legal. After all, just because you're on the list doesn't mean you've been convicted of anything.

NRA Lovetaps

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is quietly bringing back rifles, shotguns and ammunition to hundreds of U.S. stores as the hurting retail giant seeks to reinvigorate its one-stop shopping appeal and attract more male customers.

Hoodrats

Brutal Attack On Food Deliveryman Caught On Tape In Morningside Heights

The GREATEST City in the World!

Someone Is Living In A 78-Square-Foot Hallway In Manhattan!

Ugh!

MTV has created a bizarro version of Jersey Shore that will air across the pond.

I Don't Give a F*ck

Royal Wedding Procession Route in 3D

End of Times

Dozens of tornadoes kill 201 in 6 Southern states

Everyday Heroes!

Wendy Gabriel has been acting like he can't speak or hear since he was arrested in May 2008, successfully delaying his trial for three years by getting granted 64 adjournments.

Everyday Heroes!

Man in Cow Costume Steals 26 Gallons of Milk from Walmart, Because He Can

H.A.M. of the Day for April 1, 2011

Snooki Paid More Than Toni Morrison to Appear at Rutgers

Rutgers, you are so fucking messy, you actually dragged me out of hibernation. I been needing my time y'all. And I dont' apologize. Fuck you. But this shit, Rutgers, is inexcusable.

Let me get this right, you are paying Snooki, at all, to speak at your school, an institution of higher learning? What is she gonna talk about? For real? Answer this. Further, you are paying her more than you would Toni Morrison, the greatest writer to emerge from the 20th century? WTF is wrong with you?!!!

Students of Rutgers, and New Jersey residents should be up in arms as to the public statement its state is making regarding what values and priorities our institutions should keep.

Ugh, and we wonder how Bush ever came to be, and the Kardashians. No talent can take you far.

There is little Snooki would have to offer a budding minds being prepped to man our civilization in key positions!!! There is a great deal Toni would have to offer.

This is simple reasoning, right? Or have the disco lights addled your minds as much as a gorrilla-juice-head-hunting-guidette's?

Rutgers, you are a hot ass fucking mess.