H.A.M. of the Day for August 3, 2010

Ugh. Horrendousness. Aren't children the worst? I mean, like the bane of all existence?

Second only to Jersey.

Personally, I hate children. They sit next to you on the train and muck up your new pants because they insist on kneeling on the seat to look out of the window, they raise hell with their sticky hands, their loud, inappropriate noises, their all-too-honest-and-audible observations on life, and their wanton imaginations which lead their hands to fly menacingly into your air space. And their parents don't say a word to correct their behavior because their children have exhausted their will to live, let alone to discipline.

They seduce you with their adorable ways, ceaselessly, until they have rendered you comatose like a walking zombie. And that's when they attack. They nestle themselves into your watermelons, which is only a metaphor for your bank account, your home, your sense of equanimity, your soul... and they eat you whole, from the inside out, until you are merely a shell of your former self.

A fetus is merely a parasite.

Children, you require way too much attention, you suck up resources, and let's be quite honest, most of you will be less than mediocre, you are hardly worth the investment it takes to clothe you.

Move aside, children, you are mucking up my life, and I've got places to go. Ugh. You hot ass mess. I can't believe I was ever one of you.