H.A.M. of the Day for August 10, 2010

Lord have mercy on McDonald's drive-thru workers who are wholly unprepared to dole out the proper penance neurotic customers seek when they kneel before the altar of the golden arches.

Could you imagine being paid minimum wage to subject yourself to the clientele of McDonald's? The only people who should work there are those who can kill with their bare hands, and there should be a sign leading up to the drive-thru window, and a pre-recorded message that is prompted when a car leads up to the menu, and the message should state, "Welcome to McDonald's, before we take your order, we would like to inform you about some exciting changes. In order to ensure a safe experience for our customers and our employees, McDonald's employees are now required to have black belt certification. If you chose to act crazy, we will take you down. (Silence) We hope you enjoy your time at our facilities. May I take your order? And, no, we still don't have any nuggets in any of our restaurants in Ohio. We have chosen to deny nuggets to the entire state until such a time when we believe you have learned your lesson. For that, you can thank that crazy ass bitch who will remain nameless. Nobody fucks with McDonald's. So, what can we do for you today?"

That would be amazing.

And I will add this. I am so happy that the woman who went crazy -
Melanie DuShane - was not of color. White people, listen up, we people of color, whenever we hear that someone has done some crazy shit, the first thing we think/hope is that the person in question is not of color. We are often disappointed to find the truth. But not this time. This time, it's on you.

And a kudos the the employees who resumed normal service immediately after Melanie left the restaurant. Thanks to them, the fat asses of Ohio could collect their daily dose of heart-clogging carcinogens from the comfort of their cars, whose seats are outfitted with beaded lining so as to make the long hours of sitting more bearable.

Melanie, you are one hot ass mess. You need to take up kick-boxing to let out some of your anger. And change up your diet. Not only will you look better, but you will feel better. You are a lesson on the perils of subsisting on a McDonald's diet, and you should dedicate your life to teach children to live otherwise.

Lesson: America, stop eating McDonald's or else you will get mad cow disease.

Especially McDonald's chicken McNuggets: