Minorities should not have parades.
I am adamant about this.
I think this whenever I attend the Puerto Rican, West Indian, and LGBT parades in New York City, and I had occasion to revisit these thoughts today when I attended the Dominican Day Parade. The tomfoolery I bore witness to alone warrants an intervention by Obama, and a post on this irreverent yet revered periodical of note. I fully expect that after reading the following vignettes, that Obama will enact a decisive, swift and exhaustive course of action, and that my minority readers will join me in this valiant cause, albeit, begrudgingly at first, but, as I suspect, in the end, after you have come to witness how this recommended bout of ascetism is beneficial for us, that you will take this gospel into your hearts and spread it among the ignorant.
We must suppress the public display of pride in minority communities, and this is why:
No one should ever have to come upon an obese woman wearing an over-sized puerto rican flag as a bib with nothing underneath said bib, not even a sports bra to support her ample bosom, a bosom all too apparent whenever she turns to the side, along with shorts that are not apparent at first, considering that her belly flap hangs down further than the length of the flag and shorts.
No one should have to suffer through roving bands of hormone addled teenage dominican males who use unchecked pride as license to unabashedly grope, ogle and cat-call young women to extremes that put their usual lascivious banterings on the street to shame, and, I argue, present legal grounds to claim harassment.
No one should have to sit through ceaseless loud drunken shouting and the fist fights that are the natural aftermath of these prideful events, while commuting on trains which are delayed thanks to the fact that the police are called upon to quell the obnoxious insurrections.
No one, I say. No one.
Where does our sense of common decency go at such times?
Also, no one should accept a pimped out car as a float, a pimped out car with no corporate, non-profit or governmental assignation, a car that belongs to a minority who signed up to go down the parade route. Are these people serious. Yes, they are. And that is my point, we are all too serious about affirming not so flattering aspects of ourselves. Especially in our parades.
No more shall we choose to sit back and allow ambassadors with ball gags, cat-o-nine tails, and leather thongs to clear our paths to legitimacy.
It is entirely inappropriate to express pride as a competition on who can wear their community's flag in the most ungodly of places, and in the public display of the flag's tackiest permutations.
No more stabbing of pregnant teens.
The overwhelming police presence, and the fact that businesses along fifth avenue have covered their storefronts with plywood is not entirely unwarranted, unfortunately. Deal with it. It's true. We lose all measure of rational-thinking when we are allowed a day of pride.
Minorities. We must give up our parades. We are scaring white people and unfortunately leaving an indelible impression which we must all carry everywhere we go, on our shoulders. This is a particularly heavy onus for those of us who have a propensity to be mild-mannered and to dress appropriately. I would hate to not get a job thanks to your aunt's wholly inappropriate behavior and outfit which might shape the way in which my potential employer might think of gays and/or Puerto Ricans.
Minorities, why not take up something more fitting to our goal of getting a piece of the American pie? Why not bridge, golf or chess? This will at least give us means through which to speak with those in power. It will channel your energy in productive and non-offending directions.
Yes we can.
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