H.A.M. of the Day for August 31, 2010

Caroline Giuliani gets one day of community service for shoplifting at Sephora

Is it boring being rich?

Is it really that tough?

What the fuck are you going through that you have to go to Sephora to steal a hairnet just so that you can get a high? A fucking hairnet.

I mean, what is your name even. Yeah, I know that you are a daughter of Rudy Giuliani, but really, who are you?

Yeah, you go to Harvard, but so do thousands of other unqualified legacy douchebags. With daddy issues. Yeah, I remember when you 'liked' Barack Obama's page when your dad was still in the running for the presidency. But then you unliked it cuz you know who pays the bills. Ack, such a stereotype. Headline: Rich white girl hates her father and is bored with her life so she goes off to steal such loot befitting a prostitute: hairnet, eyeliner...

Snooze.

Oh, jesus, grl, daughter of Rudy, I hate you so much that I have started using white bro insults. 'Douchebags.' Did I really say that? You make me feel like shit and I wish you would die, and all your kind too.

Damn, I be wishing death on a lot of you H.A.M.s You will all kill me, one little death at a time.

I should change my name to the grim reaper.

Reasons to Abort #3

Paris Hilton Told Police She Thought Cocaine Was "Gum"

Parents, gather around.

Bear witness to the hot ass mess before you.

Her name is Paris Hilton, she is an heiress to the international Hilton hotel mega-franchise.

She was a 'model,' attended great schools, all of her friends are famous and/or rich and/or accomplished. She's traveled the world, had television shows and has met dignitaries the world over. She's had meals that would cover the rent on your bungalow for months. By all accounts, this woman has had all the advantages one would dream of having in life.

Still, this bitch can not tell the difference between cocaine and gum.

FAIL.

LIFE FAIL.

Abortion would have prevented this major mishap in history. People like this are testament to why we need to exercise control over who is allowed to roam this earth.

Ok, perhaps Paris was at a wonderful daughter and it was not until she grew up that one could patently see that she is a fuck up on the scale of Chernobyl. This is why one should be able to abort their fetus up until that fetus becomes 18 years old.

Paris, this is a harsh measure, but you inspired me to draw up this legislation, we simply can not have another Chernobyl, another Hiroshima or Nagasaki. The human race is still trying to shake off those genetic mutations, mutations which you are all too apt to propagate.

On a plus side, I am sure you have had occasion to take advantage of plan B, and for this we are all thankful.

But, since the media loves you, we are all your spawn in a sense, and that which we inherit from you will retard civilization's progress. You are like creationism, or like those conservative whackjobs who argue against stem cell research...

Note Dodo: Did you know that stem cell research is the most promising source for a cure to your daft-headedness?

Oh, Paris. We should have stopped you a long time ago. But, alas, you are past your 18th birthday. So, please, whenever you crash and burn, call the media, stand at the pillory and present yourself as example number 3 as to why we should abort more readily as a society. You are a very convincing tragedy.

Gaily News for August 31, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Lindsay Lohan Lands Vanity Fair

grl, Lindsay, no more melt downs this year, ok? grl, I can't take it no more... Ok, maybe just one more? On my birthday? Please...

grl, Outlines Emerge of Future State in the West Bank (grl, I love it when you can the the outline of great things to come, you know what i'm sayin?!)
By ETHAN BRONNER
As a Middle East summit meeting approaches in Washington, some find encouraging signs about a two-state solution in improved security and governance by the Palestinian Authority.

grl, New York Rebounds From Slump, Unevenly (grl, Oh no, grl, slumping is not cute. Get it together New York, or you will be passed up!)
By PATRICK McGEEHAN
The city has weathered the recession better than was feared, but the view is often bleaker outside Manhattan.

grl, Army Revises Training to Deal With Unfit Recruits (grl, What is it with the slovenliness in today's news? New York is slumpy, recruits aren't working out? We need our troops hot, mmmkay?!)
By JAMES DAO
The goal of a new training program is to reduce injuries and better prepare recruits for the rigors of combat.

grl, Advances Offer Path to Shrink Computer Chips Again (grl, Shrinkage is not cute.)
By JOHN MARKOFF
Researchers are reporting that they can overcome a barrier to the continued rapid miniaturization of computer memory.

grl, Restoring Names to Iraq War’s Unknown Casualties (grl, Is this war over yet?)
By ANTHONY SHADID
A quest to confirm the death of a loved one — a son, husband, father and brother — took years, along with courage and luck.

grl, Lenders Back Off of Environmental Risks (grl, You bedda keep backing up on that thing!)
By TOM ZELLER Jr.
Some large lenders are taking a stand on industry practices — like mining and deforestation — that they regard as risky to their reputations.

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public

Minorities, I know.

I know you love your pets, I do.

But, seriously, do not spend countless hours training your dog how to dance the merengue, do not spend your government stipend on a ridiculous-looking and expensive outfit for your dog, and and do not invite your village to view what you so shamelessly have been practicing with your dog in the privacy of your own home for the past three months.

It's downright bestial.

You should be spending that time at home with your children.

Minorities, do not dance the merengue in public with your dog because everybody is just going to think that we love our animals more than we love our children. They think that about us and cars already.

We have so much to learn minorities.

And don't even get me started on this dumb ass dog! Why would you agree to do any of this? For a fucking treat! This fucking dog is just about the stupidest piece of shit I've ever seen. No fucking dignity. This dog really is a hot ass mess. It probably goes home every night talking to his dog family and friends in dog about how he is so famous and well-revered in the human world.

WRONG!

Humans do not respect you and you are sure as hell, not famous.

You are on fucking youtube, a virtual stage for fuck-ups the world over.

Minorities, not only should we not dance with our dogs in public, but we should also stay away from trying to become famous through our sycophantic pets, because the limited fame they do attain will get to their heads, and everybody knows what happens to an overly-proud dog: they hump legs.

Especially when you have guests over.

Minorities. Don't let your dogs hump legs in public. Please. If it is true that dog's reflect their owners sentiments, well then your guests are only right in thinking things about you.

Gaily News for August 30, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

'grl, Snooki's Maybe-Murderous Boyfriend Proposes in the Most Embarrassing Way Possible' (grl, Please make it illegal for these two to procreate. If there is a god, please...)

grl, China Fortifies State Businesses to Fuel Growth (grl, Have you noticed that America is scared of the cultures with the most delicious foods? Think about it, Mexican and Chinese... They are colonizing us from within! hahahah)
By MICHAEL WINES
While China owes its rapid growth to private business, it is often the state’s companies that are on the march, in part because of state-bank financing and stimulus spending.

grl, Border Sweeps in North Reach Miles Into U.S. (grl, Them Canadians be trying to sneak in!)
By NINA BERNSTEIN
Hundreds of passengers are taken into detention each year from domestic trains and buses along the nation’s northern border.

grl, Risk-Taking Rises as Oil Rigs in Gulf Drill Deeper (grl, Things always get too risky when you drill too deep!)
By JAD MOUAWAD and BARRY MEIER
As regulators investigate the causes of the Deepwater Horizon disaster, the broader dangers posed by the oil industry’s push into deeper waters have gone largely unscrutinized.

grl, Orange County Is No Longer Nixon Country (grl, Does Obama know that there are such places in our country named after Nixon? Uh-uh, we need to change this.)
By ADAM NAGOURNEY
Changes in Orange County, Calif., long a conservative symbol, reflect the state and much of the nation.

grl, Powell vs. Rangel: Testy Remake After 40 Years (grl, This drama is better than my daytime soaps.)
By MICHAEL BARBARO
Adam Clayton Powell IV and Charles B. Rangel, the 20-term Harlem congressman who succeeded Mr. Powell’s father, have been trading angry attacks.

grl, For Arms Sales Suspect, Secrets Are Bargaining Chips (grl, Sometimes what you see in movies is true.)
By SCOTT SHANE
Viktor Bout’s future may hang on whether he can trade on what officials believe is his vast knowledge of global criminal networks.

grl, Retargeting Ads Follow Surfers to Other Sites (grl, You know they watching us.)
By MIGUEL HELFT and TANZINA VEGA
Ads tailored to online shoppers based on the products they have perused are leaving consumers with an eerie feeling.

Reasons to Abort #2

Spawn can use their talents to spread good will throughout the world and to improve upon our society's negative qualities. Or they can promote obesity and obeisance to that humanity-crushing ideology we call capitalism, like the singing group above, who I like to call, "The Disappoinments."

Could you imagine? Your child being responsible for a McDonald's jingle?

I personally balk at the idea.

People, please abort fetuses more readily, because they are the root of obesity and the ever-growing gap between the haves and have-nots. For a slimmer, more humane world, please, I beg you.

I'm lovin' that.

H.A.M. of the Day for August 27, 2010

Woman Attempts to Dupe Airport Security by Hiding Tiger Cub in Bag of Stuffed Tigers

Stupid fucking tiger. Man, is it just me or are these damn terrorists getting dumber by the fucking day?

Here we have a tiger, who probably wanted to go to Iran to some Al Qaeda training camp, or he was probably on some spy mission in Bangkok, gathering information to bring back home, and his fucking master plan to get through security was to scare a Thai woman into placing him in a bag full of stuffed tigers.

My heart pangs whenever I think of how you probably used that woman's family to motivate her to do such a stupid thing, probably a picture of them all tied up, dirty and bloodied faces.... "Take me across in this bag full of stuffed tigers, or your family is gone," in your stupid tiger-y voice.

And now the world has sympathy for you, cuz who'd think a baby tiger would do such a thing? I do! I know what you are up to!

And this poor woman will probably be put up at chez guantanamo for the rest of her reproductive years. You selfish piece of shit. And the world will be none the wiser, cuz you will probably just start licking your paws whenever anybody gets suspicious, to rankle their critical faculties in your cuteness.

Tiger, you stupid fuck, you are one hot ass mess.