Gaily News for August 27, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

grl, We need to improve our public education system!!! Stat. See above for why. But for real, if I saw her at the club, I would probably organize an angry gay mob to flashdance her off the dancefloor, and double-snap her out the club. OR, she would be my bestie, and I would do my hair to match hers, but with like a chewy chocolate chip cookies theme.


grl, Pakistan Flood Sets Back Years of Gains on Infrastructure (Could you imagine grl, the roads being all busted leaving you with no way to get to the club?)
By CARLOTTA GALL
The destruction of roads, schools and health clinics could further weaken a feeble civilian administration and add to the burdens on the military.

grl, Iowa Town Is Tense as U.S. Ties Farm to Salmonella (grl, How much does inbreeding have to do with the fact that it was probably somebody's sisterwife lost focus at a critical moment in the assembly line of the industrial-size abattoir? Who's pointing the finger at them?)
By MONICA DAVEY
Some say disease is another reason to detest industrial-size farms, while others see them as an economic savior.


grl, Paterson Misled Inquiry Over Tickets, Report Says (grl, It was a pair of tickets, for real, chill.)
By NICHOLAS CONFESSORE
Gov. David A. Paterson misled investigators about how he got World Series tickets, an independent counsel said.

grl, Struggling Cities Shut Firehouses in Budget Crisis (grl, We need to do everything in our power to keep the hot ones employed at all costs. Who else is gonna populate those calendars?)
By MICHAEL COOPER
Fire departments around the nation are cutting jobs, closing firehouses and resorting to “rolling brownouts.”


grl, Behind Scenes of Gulf Oil Spill, Acrimony and Stress (grl, We know how stressful it was, trust, we were there, it was our planet you fucked up, all for greed, you dumb bitch. Chase a real story.)
By CLIFFORD KRAUSS, HENRY FOUNTAIN and JOHN M. BRODER
New information suggests that the process of killing the failed well was far more stressful and acrimonious than the public knew.

grl, Facing Long Mine Rescue, Chile Spares No Expense (grl, Its gonna take them months to extricate those miners...grl, that's a long time. If I were there, I would leave no hymen unturned. Haaay.)
By ALEXEI BARRIONUEVO
President Sebastián Piñera has staked his nascent presidency on rescuing the miners, sparing no attempted innovation to maintain their psychological health.

grl, Islamic Center Also Challenges a Young Builder (grl, Why are we even having this debate. They wanna open a community center dedicated to peace-making and bridge-making. What's the fucking problem? Ugh, this country exhausts me. I need a martini.)
By ANNE BARNARD and CHRISTINE HAUGHNEY
The developer of a divisive project is new to New York real estate work, which can demand experience and patience.

Reasons to Abort #1

Courtney Love celebrated her estranged daughter's eighteenth birthday a day late on Twitter: "youve done a dammed good job frances of destroying anything i could build." She's a "sell out," and Courtney knows how to "ruiinher." Happy birthday!

There are millions of reasons to abort a pregnancy. Courtney Love is number one.

In this new column I like to call "Reasons to Abort," I would like to bring our attention to degenerate parents and hellacious children across the nation. We should encourage abortion as much as we should encourage drivers to clean their windshields...it prevents us from encountering dangers that lie ahead.

Let's explore why Courtney Love inspires me to abort:

No child should ever have to show up at a parent teacher conference late because its mother momentarily collapsed while driving on the interstate due to a mini-coke overdose. And no child should have to wake up a day after its birthday to read its parent's birthday well-wishes on twitter, alongside a note stating that it ruined its parents life. (But really, Courtney, how much are you responsible for the ramshackle existence you've put together? Really?)

And no child should be judged on the whorishness of it's mother's shame-curdling outfit. Children should be free from judgment, should be encouraged to not become a pole dancer or a cum bucket and should grow up in a household conducive to life extending past the age of 7.

This woman is an argument to start a government sterilization program for men and women. It can be voluntary, but this program would be most effective if it were mandatory for dysfunctional Madeas like Courtney. That her uterus was allowed to reproduce is shameful. We should have sent Sigourney Weaver after Courtney. Sigourney got the alien queen bee. Surely, she could get Kurt Cobain's baby mama.

People! Even those of you who actually like children would agree that all of the Courtneys out there should not be allowed to have children. If we do not stop them, well, it would be like allowing another alien sequel to thrive on earth. Do you want to live in a world with millions of hellions running amok?

I do not. So please, Courtney, and all you would be Courtneys, shut ur trap.

You are the reason why theme parks are unpleasant, why the children of celebrities stuff our twitter feeds with inane shit that distracts us from real news. Devolution, here we go! Sounds like a good title for your next album. It will probably sell millions and become the soundtrack for all of the should-have-been-aborted children the world over.

Sigh.

H.A.M. of the Day for August 19, 2010

Grumble.

To my fans.

Fuck you.

Sincerely, fuck you. I am not your lapdog.

Believe it or not, I do not exist for the purpose of entertaining you. If I miss a day, please stop sending me emails, text messages, & phone calls. I have to wonder about you hos who wait at your computer screens for that missive telling you that ONEWISEASSLATINO has been updated. Ugh. I had no idea that my audience was a bunch of bored middle class wives looking to fill the time between their favorite daytime talk shows. Listen up bougie ass bitches, get a job!

I have a job and I intend to keep it, so the last thing on my mind is this blog. Deal with it.

And now you are all asking me to make you the H.A.M. of the day. Who else has fans that want to be shat on? I'm telling you, you all are quite amazing.

Ugh, don't know if fame suits me. Cuz, I'm all about slapping a silly as ho who annoys me. So, don't test me. Fans, get back, because I am liable to beat you down, like Bjork did the paparazzi. For reading my blog, you are all Hot Ass Messes.

And for some reason, I am sure you will love this post more than any other.

So, in my own way, this is my love letter to you, my fans, you hammy ass hams. Love you.

Gaily News for August 19, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

Ricky, you're gay. This was never news, nor will it ever be.


grl, Civilians to Take U.S. Lead After Military Leaves Iraq (grl, A colonizing rose by any other name is still a colonizer.)
By MICHAEL R. GORDON
As the United States military prepares to leave Iraq by the end of 2011, the Obama administration is planning a remarkable civilian effort, buttressed by a small army of contractors, to fill the void.

grl, S.E.C., Settling Suit, Accuses New Jersey of Pension Fraud (grl, New Jersey is up to no good, what's new?)
By MARY WILLIAMS WALSH
Federal regulators accused New Jersey of securities fraud for claiming it was funding public workers’ pensions when it was not.

grl, Jurors Fault Complexity of the Blagojevich Trial (grl, This is what happens when you ask citizens to perform as jurors. How do you expect to have justice if the people to whom justice is tasked are dumb ass slack-jawed motherfuckers who have been raised in a paltry underfunded public education system? Justice FAIL.)
By MONICA DAVEY and SUSAN SAULNY
The jurors, evenly split on some counts, took several days just to figure out how to make their task manageable.

grl, Leery of Washington, Alaska Feasts on Its Dollars (grl, Fuck Alaska. Let it go the way of Texas. Since both have elected idiots to the governorship, they have demonstrated that they are not at the level the U.S. should require of their leaders.)
By MICHAEL POWELL
No state benefits more from federal largess, but a senator voted against the stimulus bill and the governor decries “intrusive” policies.

grl, Despite Scandals, Indian Mining Bosses Thrive (grl, I love anything with the word scandal in it!)
By JIM YARDLEY
Illegal mining has become a national scandal amid accusations that billions of dollars of publicly owned minerals have been stolen, often by public officials.

grl, Looking for Baby Sitters: Foreign Language a Must (grl, I can just switch out 'baby sitters' with 'a man' and this article would be so me.)
By JENNY ANDERSON
A growing number of New York City parents want caregivers to teach their children a language.
Corrections

Gaily News for August 18, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

grl, The last thing I ever want to do is put my hands into hipster's bag. Ack! Can we say bedbugs... Not cute. However, I am curious. Luckily, somebody else has done it.

grl, Blagojevich, Guilty on 1 of 24 Counts, Faces Retrial (grl, It don't matter if he was only found guilty of one thing, in the court of public opinion, this man's reputation has been razed like rihanna's bikini line in her 'rude boy' video.)
By MONICA DAVEY and SUSAN SAULNY
The judge declared a mistrial on 23 charges, the bulk of the case, after the jury said it was hopelessly deadlocked. Prosecutors promised a new trial.

grl, Iraqi Leaders Fear for Future After Their Past Missteps (grl, these missteps ain't like dancing with someone who has two left feet, okay, this shit is serious. You fear for the future, shit, edit that, have it read, "we all fear for the future." That sounds more right.)
By ANTHONY SHADID
Iraq remains haunted by the decisions of the earliest days of the occupation, when the United States helped install opposition exiles to lead the country.

grl, Given Money for Rehiring, Schools Wait and See (grl, Gaybies are being robbed of their chance to be successful in their futures.)
By MOTOKO RICH
The money for schools to rehire teachers, counselors and support workers is instead being set aside by school districts worried about cuts to come in the current school year.

grl, A Dutch City Seeks to End Drug Tourism (grl, International crackheads are about to rebel.)
By SUZANNE DALEY
Struggling to reduce traffic and crime, Maastricht wants to make its legalized use of recreational drugs a Dutch-only policy.

grl, Tea Party Choice Scrambles in Taking On Reid (grl, How can such evil people have such a cute name? They need to be sued for false advertising.)
By ADAM NAGOURNEY
Senator Harry Reid, Democrat of Nevada, seems to have found a lifeline in his Republican opponent, Sharron Angle, who has stumbled in her campaign.

grl, Study Says Brain Trauma Can Mimic A.L.S. (grl, Is there a way to beat Hasselback bad enough so that she will forget to show up to work, but not bad enough that bruises will show up?)
By ALAN SCHWARZ
A study suggests that head trauma can cause degenerative diseases similar to A.L.S. and that Lou Gehrig may not have had Lou Gehrig’s disease.

Gaily News for August 17, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

grl, The ever-so presidential Wyclef Bought Lion-Festooned Carnival Float With Charity Money. You wanna be president? Really? But you are an unqualified, millionaire crook. Actually, Bush, Schwarzeneger...yep, sounds like the guy for the job. Oh, Haiti, when will you ever live down Pat Robertson's belief that you are cursed?


grl,Drilling Permits for Deep Waters Face New Review (grl, don't listen to Obama, you should always get permits and use rubbers when drilling.)
By JOHN M. BRODER
The Obama administration said it would require more review before approving offshore drilling permits, ending a practice in which regulators essentially rubber-stamped projects.

grl, Floods Could Have Lasting Impact for Pakistan (grl, these floods remind me of the devastating impact Justin Bieber is having on teenaged girls' conceptions of beauty and masculinity. Because of him, all women will become lesbian.)
By ADAM B. ELLICK
As officials struggle with immediate response to the disaster, concerns are growing about the toll on the overall economy, food supply and stability.


grl, In Bold Display, Taliban Order Stoning Deaths (talibangrl, That is so not a good look for you, for real.)
By ROD NORDLAND
The killing of a couple who tried to elope was the Taliban’s first public execution since their fall from power.

grl, Deadliest for Walkers: Male Drivers, Left Turns (grl, like I been saying all this time, what good have men wrought out of bed, mmkay?!)
By MICHAEL M. GRYNBAUM
A study of crashes involving pedestrians offers insight into the life on the streets of New York City.

grl, Exclusive Golf Course Is Organic, So Weeds Get In (grl, rich people toke up more than hoodrats, if i'm lyin,' i'm dyin.')
By BILL PENNINGTON
The Vineyard Golf Club, where President Obama is expected to play this month, is thought to be the U.S.’s only organic course.

One White Person I Would Not Let Babysit My Children

Gorilla Head Celebrates Bankruptcy With A Shopping Spree

This fucking man in a red dress... Ru Paul hates you because you are bringing the drag rights movement back 10 years, at least.


First, let me say that I would love a fierce ass drag queen to babysit my children, no matter her race. My kid would grow up to be -- say it with me -- fa-bu-luss! It's sense of imagination would know no bounds, its sense of style would turn heads, it would not take shit from anybody and would get invited to all the best parties.

I have no problem with men in dresses.

But you sir, you are a tragedy. So Tyra Banks talks about how she has a five-head because her forehead is bigger than most. You, Teresa, have a two-head. I see your lineage was not gifted the capacious cranium necessary to facilitate a full-blown human brain. In that sense, you are disabled and I really should not make fun of you.

This could also be the reason why your dumb ass went on a $60,000 shopping spree for house decorations after you filed for bankruptcy.

You stupid ass whore. And now that you are in need of money, you probably are looking for work. Don't, I repeat, do not, come knocking on my door asking to babysit, because I will shut that door on your face in the hope that a) you will get the point and stay away, and b) perhaps such a morphologically-shifting trauma to the head would improve upon your cracked-ass visage.

Stay away from my fucking kid, because you will probably teach it things that will throw it into debt, and there is nothing sadder than a middle school girl offering handjobs for milk money.

Ugh.