H.A.M. of the Day for August 17, 2010

These fucking lazy ass reporters. They can be so insensitive!

White people, let me tell you what people of color see when they look at this reporter's story:

These reporters were told to follow up on a story in the hood. They got scared, but hoping to keep their job in an industry that is folding, and with thoughts on getting a pulitzer - 'cause you know pulitzer loves it when white reporters exploit the stories of people of color - they set forth into the projects fortified by their need for money, power and fame, not, as it is clear from the footage, to help elevate the position of people of color.

Once there, their hope was met with an equal measure of befuddlement on how to get these hoodrats to give them a good story. But, as ever, there is always an Antoine Dodson. And, Antoine is always more than ready to give his two cents. Every hood is rife with Antoines. "Antoine" is always sassy, more often than not, he will snap his neck, his words will be quotable in the worst way possible, his hair is always jacked up, there will always be a multitude of children in the background as if they were bunnies hopping through hilly hood pastures, and more importantly, the reporter never tells Antoine that he should think about how he will appear on camera, about how he will be the butt of everyone's jokes for weeks to come, never once is the word presentable, let alone respectable, conjured.

Sigh.

Readers, please take a look at Antoine's hairdo after the interview. MESS. It was in direct competition with the reporter for the honor of H.A.M. of the day, not his performance in the interview. His new braids look like they have blonde shit streaks running through them. Ack!

No, Antoine, you are free to exploit as much as possible out of this moment because I suspect this is your only opportunity to get out of the hood. Take it!

My hot ass mess of the day are reporters, in general. Listen up you fucking scavengers! Next time you go into the hood to pillage a story from our community, pick someone who will act right on camera, and if you can't find one who you will, please give them a nyquil and wait thirty minutes to turn on the camera. It will soften the crazy-assedness, and will be a huge help to minorities in general.

Thank you.

Run and tell that! Homeboys.

H.A.M. of the Day for August 11, 2010

Man Tries to Marinate Cat

Cat, you need to learn to let go. He ain't worth it. You need to drop that zero, and get with a hero, mmkay! You know I'm right.

But I can't really blame the guy, I mean, you are chosing to be in this abusive relationship. When are you gonna get some self-esteem and start demanding that your man treat you right? Get it together before it is too late and he starts feeding you to his next cat.

I mean what else needs to happen before you learn to fight for yourself? The fucker tried to cook you!

You clingy ass cat. Get a life, you hot ass mess.

H.A.M. of the Day for August 10, 2010

Lord have mercy on McDonald's drive-thru workers who are wholly unprepared to dole out the proper penance neurotic customers seek when they kneel before the altar of the golden arches.

Could you imagine being paid minimum wage to subject yourself to the clientele of McDonald's? The only people who should work there are those who can kill with their bare hands, and there should be a sign leading up to the drive-thru window, and a pre-recorded message that is prompted when a car leads up to the menu, and the message should state, "Welcome to McDonald's, before we take your order, we would like to inform you about some exciting changes. In order to ensure a safe experience for our customers and our employees, McDonald's employees are now required to have black belt certification. If you chose to act crazy, we will take you down. (Silence) We hope you enjoy your time at our facilities. May I take your order? And, no, we still don't have any nuggets in any of our restaurants in Ohio. We have chosen to deny nuggets to the entire state until such a time when we believe you have learned your lesson. For that, you can thank that crazy ass bitch who will remain nameless. Nobody fucks with McDonald's. So, what can we do for you today?"

That would be amazing.

And I will add this. I am so happy that the woman who went crazy -
Melanie DuShane - was not of color. White people, listen up, we people of color, whenever we hear that someone has done some crazy shit, the first thing we think/hope is that the person in question is not of color. We are often disappointed to find the truth. But not this time. This time, it's on you.

And a kudos the the employees who resumed normal service immediately after Melanie left the restaurant. Thanks to them, the fat asses of Ohio could collect their daily dose of heart-clogging carcinogens from the comfort of their cars, whose seats are outfitted with beaded lining so as to make the long hours of sitting more bearable.

Melanie, you are one hot ass mess. You need to take up kick-boxing to let out some of your anger. And change up your diet. Not only will you look better, but you will feel better. You are a lesson on the perils of subsisting on a McDonald's diet, and you should dedicate your life to teach children to live otherwise.

Lesson: America, stop eating McDonald's or else you will get mad cow disease.

Especially McDonald's chicken McNuggets:

This Ish Has Rendered Me Unintelligible

This makes me feel like I discovered masturbation all over again.

Things Minorities Should Not Do In Public: Have Parades

Minorities should not have parades.

I am adamant about this.

I think this whenever I attend the Puerto Rican, West Indian, and LGBT parades in New York City, and I had occasion to revisit these thoughts today when I attended the Dominican Day Parade. The tomfoolery I bore witness to alone warrants an intervention by Obama, and a post on this irreverent yet revered periodical of note. I fully expect that after reading the following vignettes, that Obama will enact a decisive, swift and exhaustive course of action, and that my minority readers will join me in this valiant cause, albeit, begrudgingly at first, but, as I suspect, in the end, after you have come to witness how this recommended bout of ascetism is beneficial for us, that you will take this gospel into your hearts and spread it among the ignorant.

We must suppress the public display of pride in minority communities, and this is why:

No one should ever have to come upon an obese woman wearing an over-sized puerto rican flag as a bib with nothing underneath said bib, not even a sports bra to support her ample bosom, a bosom all too apparent whenever she turns to the side, along with shorts that are not apparent at first, considering that her belly flap hangs down further than the length of the flag and shorts.

No one should have to suffer through roving bands of hormone addled teenage dominican males who use unchecked pride as license to unabashedly grope, ogle and cat-call young women to extremes that put their usual lascivious banterings on the street to shame, and, I argue, present legal grounds to claim harassment.

No one should have to sit through ceaseless loud drunken shouting and the fist fights that are the natural aftermath of these prideful events, while commuting on trains which are delayed thanks to the fact that the police are called upon to quell the obnoxious insurrections.

No one, I say. No one.

Where does our sense of common decency go at such times?

Also, no one should accept a pimped out car as a float, a pimped out car with no corporate, non-profit or governmental assignation, a car that belongs to a minority who signed up to go down the parade route. Are these people serious. Yes, they are. And that is my point, we are all too serious about affirming not so flattering aspects of ourselves. Especially in our parades.

No more shall we choose to sit back and allow ambassadors with ball gags, cat-o-nine tails, and leather thongs to clear our paths to legitimacy.

It is entirely inappropriate to express pride as a competition on who can wear their community's flag in the most ungodly of places, and in the public display of the flag's tackiest permutations.

No more stabbing of pregnant teens.

The overwhelming police presence, and the fact that businesses along fifth avenue have covered their storefronts with plywood is not entirely unwarranted, unfortunately. Deal with it. It's true. We lose all measure of rational-thinking when we are allowed a day of pride.

Minorities. We must give up our parades. We are scaring white people and unfortunately leaving an indelible impression which we must all carry everywhere we go, on our shoulders. This is a particularly heavy onus for those of us who have a propensity to be mild-mannered and to dress appropriately. I would hate to not get a job thanks to your aunt's wholly inappropriate behavior and outfit which might shape the way in which my potential employer might think of gays and/or Puerto Ricans.

Minorities, why not take up something more fitting to our goal of getting a piece of the American pie? Why not bridge, golf or chess? This will at least give us means through which to speak with those in power. It will channel your energy in productive and non-offending directions.

Yes we can.

Gaily News for August 3, 2010 - The daily news translated for gay people.

BEWARE: Lesbians are taking over!


Grl, In Speech on Iraq, Obama Reaffirms Drawdown (Grl, I really wish he would draw down, so we can draw up, if you know what I mean! Haaaay! So good to have a hot ass president doing hot ass things.)
By PETER BAKER

President Obama marked the end of the combat mission, “as promised and on schedule,” in a country still finding its way.

Grl, 2 Men Convicted in Kennedy Airport Plot (Grl, you can't even take a nice vacation no more without worrying about crazy ass bombers.)
By A. G. SULZBERGER

Russell Defreitas and Abdul Kadir face possible life sentences after being convicted of conspiring to commit acts of terrorism.

Grl, 99 Weeks Later, Jobless Have Only Desperation (Grl, people still can't find jobs. I haven't seen things this bad since Britney was trying to make a comeback album around the time that she beat K-fed's car with an umbrella.)
By MICHAEL LUO

A tough job market is swelling the ranks of those who have exhausted the maximum 99 weeks of benefits.

Grl, For Congress, a New Vigilance in Policing Ethics Cases (Grl, I like my policemens a little dirty.)
By ERIC LIPTON and ERIC LICHTBLAU

The ethics charges against Representatives Charles B. Rangel and Maxine Waters reflect, in part, Washington’s heightened sensitivity to indiscretions by members of Congress.


Grl, In Restive Chinese Area, Cameras Keep a Watchful Eye (Grl, I hope they don't record me when I'm chilling in the boonies with my boo, unless they really wanna see a brokeback mountain.)
By MICHAEL WINES

Video surveillance is growing explosively in northwestern China, where ethnic Han and Uighur groups took part in the ethnic rioting last year.


Grl, Some Directors Say 3-D Is One Dimension Too Many (Grl, have you ever been to a 3D porno? GRL!)
By MICHAEL CIEPLY

Several influential directors have criticized 3-D films, but the audiences — and profits — keep growing.

H.A.M. of the Day for August 3, 2010

Ugh. Horrendousness. Aren't children the worst? I mean, like the bane of all existence?

Second only to Jersey.

Personally, I hate children. They sit next to you on the train and muck up your new pants because they insist on kneeling on the seat to look out of the window, they raise hell with their sticky hands, their loud, inappropriate noises, their all-too-honest-and-audible observations on life, and their wanton imaginations which lead their hands to fly menacingly into your air space. And their parents don't say a word to correct their behavior because their children have exhausted their will to live, let alone to discipline.

They seduce you with their adorable ways, ceaselessly, until they have rendered you comatose like a walking zombie. And that's when they attack. They nestle themselves into your watermelons, which is only a metaphor for your bank account, your home, your sense of equanimity, your soul... and they eat you whole, from the inside out, until you are merely a shell of your former self.

A fetus is merely a parasite.

Children, you require way too much attention, you suck up resources, and let's be quite honest, most of you will be less than mediocre, you are hardly worth the investment it takes to clothe you.

Move aside, children, you are mucking up my life, and I've got places to go. Ugh. You hot ass mess. I can't believe I was ever one of you.