I Hate Hipsters

So, remember how I fell in love with hipsters for a quick moment? Remember, how they served a fancy meal on a subway? Genius!

But then they do some shit such as what you may bear witness to by pressing the play button on the video above. Ugh.

White people have way too much free fucking time. Shiiiiiiit.

H.A.M. of the Day for June 7, 2011

Weiner's dick. You are one hot ass mess. Too many civilization's have been felled because of the undue influence of a patriarch's cock. Caligula, anyone? You'd think that with all the education that your keeper has received that you would have learned this lesson by now. The voting public prefers a bit of mystery as to the Oz in charge of their leaders. The second we unveil the cloak and see who the grand puppeteer is, we lose interest. Just like a date, there is only time for one quick fuck once you've unveiled and then it's time to sleep. Anthony, you are not gonna be my president, and its all thanks to your immature cock who all too quickly answered our question like a premature ejaculator: how big is your weiner. Not enough, apparently. Next.

Baby Seals Are Meant for Eating

Baby seal, you are so fucking cute. I would like to flambe you, throw you on a skillet and eat you up until I feel that I have imbibed your cuteness which is so beyond human rationale that I want to hug you all the way into me. Now, get over here, you cute little schmoopy, woopy adorable cutieface!

Cock Block

4G, you fucking cock block.

How many times have I been in mid-conversation with a trick and I am just about to get their phone number and/or address and I've already started heading to their neighborhodd because they gave me general directions, and I press the little button to get the email to download when...I lose my 4G connection. No booty for me. You may as well just pop up out of a bush, impale my balls with a spear and bid me a good day.

By the time I get a 4G connection back up, the trick has lost interest.

So, 4G, fuck you, you fucking cock block. I hope you get 7 years of blueballs because of all the frustration you inspire.

Further, you don't even really exist, do you? You sold yourself to us without having built the infrastructure necessary to make yourself real. You are like a lothario with three wives. You are never enough, no matter where you are. Get your shit together, or else I will drop you for 3G, forever. Yeah, he's a bit slow, but damn it, he is reliable.

Fa.Bu.Lous!

New Beyonce Video Teaser

B. It's official. You are the baddest chic on the block. These shoes are MAJOR!

Everyday Heroes!

Jersey Man Says Screw It And Walks Home Through PATH Tunnel

End of Times

Here at OWAL, we firmly believe that this is the human species' final year on earth. Everyday we bear witness to your exploits as we scour the internet for OWAL worthy items to comment on. Simply put, you are all much too much of a hot ass mess, individually and collectively. The jig is up. It is clear to us that you bitches will blow yourselves up if nature doesn't get rid of you first.

One need not search far to see the evidence. Birds falling out of the sky, bees disappering, freakish weather events and the rise of reality television. We've lost our moral and ethical compass. Nature is squeezing us out, like a ripe pimple, allowing us to fall off the proverbial cliff of existence because that is what is best for mother earth.

That said, this video is further evidence to back up the end-of-times OWAL claim. See here the great ancestors of a once mighty Aztec tribe. What you see them performing is a rain dance. But, obviously, these motherfuckers ain't doing it right. Notice the dry-ass parched land and trees in the background. The Aztec are dancing erratically, in patterns unknown, which is indicative of man's broken relationship to nature.

Once, these aztec demi-gods would perform rituals in commune with nature and insodoing beseech the gods to don onto them all the gifts of nature necessary to establish a mighty kingdom. Now, such dancing will lead to their imprisonment in immigration detention centers.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Indeed, birds falling out of the sky, bees disappearing, freakish weather patterns, the rise of reality tv, and aztec people forgetting their raindances. The evidence is clear. These are the end of times.